babble, mental health, story of my life, weigh-in, weight loss

Weigh-in #45: November 5 2013

-0.2lbs
-30.5lbs since Jan 1 2013
356.2lbs

 

Remember, remember, the fifth of November
Binge-eating, weight gain and snot
I see no reason why my stupid overeating
Should be a big blind spot

I’m not gonna lie. I’m kind of annoyed with myself. With this week’s weigh-in, it’s just kind of hitting home that last week’s weigh-in wasn’t a glitch. Because I either gained a metric tonne of weight last week, and lost 0.2lbs this week, or I gained about half of it last week, the scale glitched, and I gained more weight this week.

I know my eating hasn’t been stellar, recently. I actually felt so down (mentally, depressively) the other day, that I had a sandwich and three slices of bread with Nutella on them for my lunch, and a pack of Starmix gummies and a packet of Bacon strip crisps for my tea. I couldn’t face the thought of cooking, because my kitchen was a mess, and I didn’t want to cook, and-

I’m back to making excuses again, I know that. I need to just stop making excuses, and start cooking again. Even if I have to cook at the start of the week, make enough for two or three meals, wash my dishes in the middle of the week, and then cook another meal for two, three or four days. I don’t mind eating the same thing three days in a row.

What I mind is my selfish self-sabotage efforts. I’m currently in therapy for all this bullshit, and I still can’t stop?

I was talking to Dr. Walton today, about why I can’t lose weight and keep it off. She said that there was a block, in the way. Like, I don’t believe I deserve health and happiness, so I just keep on sabotaging myself.

And it’s true. Right now, I’m trying to believe that I can be fit and healthy and worthy of Reese’s love, but I’m also basing everything on my physical self, to the point where I’m not even sure if I am who I really think I am. I’m worried that my emotions and personality are tied intricately with my physical self. I thought I had me all figured out, but I’m terrified of the thought that, if I slim down and get healthy, that I’ll have to re-evaluate myself and become me.

There’s a whole lot I could say, too, about how I dislike textures and lumpy foods and etcetera. Things that I can’t explain. I like flavours (sweet and savoury! Yes please. Possibly both at once.) but I dislike eating, sometimes. I can’t stand the texture of mince anymore. I’d eat carrots, but they’re too crunchy and dry when they’re raw, and too soggy when they’re cooked. But I like the flavour – only when they’re raw. I like their sweetness.

As much as I’ve published my love of butternut squash, I can only really stomach it when it’s caramelised, because before that point, it’s soggy and gross. I do eat it when it’s not caramelised, but I can’t eat it on its own; it has to be eaten with whatever protein I’ve served/been served with it.

And it’s really, really annoying, because I’d really like to be healthy. “Normal”. I’d like to find myself attractive and feel like I’m actually invincible, instead of sitting in the gym lifting weights and going, “I feel invincible, because I can leg press more than that guy who was just on the machine, and I’m FAT.”

I wish I could stop comparing my life to other peoples’ lives. It’s like I’m idolising thin people and envying them their thinness. Which is really, really stupid when you think about it, because I know nothing about them, other than the fact that they’re thin.

So I’ve got a lot to work on. But I suppose that’s what therapy’s for. I just need to start opening up; don’t be afraid of my emotions.

And, in random question time:

Do anyone else’s eyes water when they walk/run? And does anyone else’s nose run while washing dishes (by hand), or singing, even when they don’t have the cold/flu?

Or is it just me?

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2 thoughts on “Weigh-in #45: November 5 2013”

  1. I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough path at the moment and I’ve got my fingers crossed that it’ll soon pass for you.
    I still think you’re awesome and a brilliant inspiration for others even if you don’t believe it yet.
    I don’t get the watery eyes when I run inside but sometimes when I’m outside I do – I assume it’s my eyes fighting the wind and dust and bits. My nose runs when I get hot – exercise, vigorous cleaning, washing up with steamy water, even sometimes drinking hot beverages so maybe that’s it with you too.
    Good luck and take care.

    1. Cat: don’t worry too much! I’ll get through it. 🙂 I always do. And thank you. <3

      Weirdly, my nose doesn't run when I'm in Spinning/the gym/a class, where I get REALLY hot, but if I'm cleaning the house or washing up the dishes, it's like the Niagra Falls of snot. (Eww. XD) Silly bodies, what the hell are they playing at?!

      Oh well, at least I know it's not just me!

      <3

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