400s, babble, exercise, weigh-in, weight gain

taking a chance / this could be different / this could be all I’m waiting for

So, it’s 2010.

This time, ten years ago, I was bemoaning in my diary how I’d managed to keep 50% of my resolutions for 1999.

The first of my resolutions for 1999 was:

1) Lose x stones; x > 4

Really, I don’t have to say any more than that, do I?

On December 31, 1999, I probably weighed about 260lbs, and I thought I was an absolute heifer. Admittedly, I was dangerously overweight, probably by about 80 or 90lbs. And this was after saying, “LOSE 4 STONE THIS YEAR,” on January 1st 1999.

If I’d lost the weight then, it might have been easier on me now. If I’d lost the weight then, I might have lost it and kept it off.

Suffice to say that every year’s resolution since I was about 12 has included, “Lose weight!” in one way or another. I don’t have all my diaries from then, but the ones I do have all scream the same:

You are fat and ugly and you need to lose weight or you’ll never get a boyfriend!

I always thought that that was the only reason for losing weight. I never had a boyfriend in high school. I had plenty of boys who were friends, but when what you really want is your first kiss, your first dirty fumble under the covers, then that’s all that matters.

If I’d known, in 1999, that a decade later that I’d weight 160lbs more, do you think I’d have spent the year drinking full-calorie sodas and sneaking change to the shop to buy crisps and tablet?

(Admittedly, I also snuck change out to the shop to buy the newspaper. I’m still not sure why.)

But when I think about walking to school back then, and how I thought I was a heifer…

Nowadays, and I am not kidding, I would not make the walk. And even if I managed to gasp my way from my house at the time down to my school, I’d never make the walk back.

Back then, I played rugby and I basketball – the one year that I got a commendation for physical education was the year that I spent swimming and playing basketball, and I was thrilled, because I was easily the fattest person in my year, if not the entire high school – and I still didn’t lose any weight, because I was still eating fatty school lunches, crisps, tablet, full-calorie sodas, and basically anything that my little amount of money would cover.

I never in a million years thought that I’d get to this point. I never thought in a million years that I’d get to the point where it makes me out of breath to climb the 13 steps to the upper floor of our house. I used to climb 4 flights of stairs to make it to registration in school in the morning, and climbing 2 flights of stairs at the social welfare office means I almost have an asthma attack?

Fucking hell, guys, never in a million years.

I feel worse now than I did when I lived in Swords.

When I lived in Swords, I worked 5 minutes up the street and couldn’t make the walk without my back going numb – I’m currently wondering if it’s a form of sciatica brought on by my weight, and I’ll ask my doctor about it next time I’m in – and me getting out of breath.

When I made the same walk to the shop at lunchtime (for a chicken, cheese, stuffing and garlic mayonnaise baguette which probably came out at about 1,500 calories) I had to sit down outside, under pretense of checking my phone or calling people, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to make it back up the road properly.

Now, I worry about making it upstairs.

Now, I worry about not being able to walk up to the car from around the corner at the social welfare office. I worry about not making it to the end of my cul-de-sac to climb into Dad’s car. I don’t think I’d even make it to the end of my street, and I can see the end of my street from the top of my cul-de-sac.

You guys. You guys.

Never. In a BAZILLION years did I ever think I’d get this bad. I had always written about how fat I was and how gross I was and how I’d never get a boyfriend, but I never thought: you’re going to weigh more than 400lbs one day. I didn’t know people could weigh more than 400lbs and still walk. Still breathe, still be alive. I thought 400lbs was the equivalent of about 6 elephants.

And here I am.

2010.

Starting weight:

29st 12lbs
(418lbs/190kg)

273lbs (123.83kg) to go

It’s not the heaviest I’ve ever been.

But, fuck, you guys. I’ve never felt worse.

10 thoughts on “taking a chance / this could be different / this could be all I’m waiting for”

  1. I love you. And somebody else will love you too. Not because you're thin, but because you are awesome.

    But, if we work really hard together, we can live long enough for you to meet and be with that person. Even more better than that? You can live long enough for me to have a sister to bitch with when I'm 80. Sorry if this lacks in coherent. No sleep for many hours. HAPPY NEW YEAR.

    1. HAPPY BELATED NEW YEAR, SQUIRT. <3

      Yeah, we're gonna be bitching until WELL into our twilight years, aren't we? Assuming we haven't murdered one another before then. πŸ™‚

      Love you too. *buttcones*

  2. FUCK YEAH I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!!! YOU CAN!! OKAY!!

    I know what it's like to be fat and have it feel like… like your body is what it is, it's impossible to change, but you want to so badly… it takes work, but if you really want to do it, I know you can. Being twenty kilos lighter by this time next year is not impossible. I've been there. Granted, I had a complete lifestyle change and a hell of a lot of stress, but it can happen.

    JUST DO YOUR BEST!!

    1. Excuse the following, but I JUST BASICALLY COPIED IT FROM A GOOGLE SEARCH: γŒγ‚“γ°γ£γ¦οΌ, aye? πŸ˜€

      I so hope that's right.

      But yeah, I'm just sick of being fat. I'm in the middle of this epic entry of what it's like to weigh, occasionally, more than 400lbs, and I've been working on it for about two months now. I never realised that it's just. It's hard, y'know? Not just to change, but to stick with it to the end, especially when it IS so hard. That's why I went back and LOLed at my first entry, at thinking I'd be NORMAL SIZED by this time. (Man, if I hadn't gone to college, I might well have been. Stupid college.)

      Let me tell you, though: support from my friends – and even people I don't really know, but who are going through the same thing – really helps. Really means something. <3

  3. Yey, welcome to the newyear. Get excited about your new diet! Its gona be fabulous πŸ™‚ Just think in another ten years your not gona be 500lb and have to look back in trepidation. Your gona be 200lb or whatever your goal is! Why? because you can. When your weight plateaus dont let it beat you. Do it for yourself and your health. Best Wishes.

    1. Happy new year to you, too! πŸ˜€

      God, am I ever excited about the new diet. It's not even so much a diet – I'm STILL allowed to eat more calories than a normal person's recommended daily allowance – as just. Watching portions and watching my fat intake, and REMEMBERING TO TAKE MY MEDS and things like that.

      But thanks. Thanks for the support. πŸ™‚

      (It's still sort of strange, I think, that SOMEBODY I KNEW IN HIGH SCHOOL OMFG is reading my weight-loss blog. HAHAHAHA.)

  4. You can do this. Stop thinking about how long it will take. Stop thinking about how hard it's going to be. Both of those things are really overwhelming and they don't help anyway.

    Just concentrate on getting to the end of one day. When you wake up the next morning, just concentrate on getting to the end of THAT day. Make your focus very small and don't allow anything else to get in your way.

    This is within your power to do, and I believe in you. You can do it.

    1. Thanks, Tara. <3

      I know, it's so hard not to think, "WHEN I HIT MY GOAL WEIGHT…" but that's the first thing I think of, of course. "I wonder how I'll look when I hit x weight," or, "I wonder what size I'll be at y weight." Things like that.

      But when it's easily two or three years into my future – assuming that I STICK IT OUT THIS TIME – it's definitely disheartening. I'm trying to think of a closer goal to hit first. Probably, "GET TO 400lbs FIRST" or something, and then focus on 25lb marks or something. I'm not sure yet, but first I have to get to a point where I can actually weigh myself on my own scales. πŸ™‚

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