So, it’s 2010.
This time, ten years ago, I was bemoaning in my diary how I’d managed to keep 50% of my resolutions for 1999.
The first of my resolutions for 1999 was:
1) Lose x stones; x > 4
Really, I don’t have to say any more than that, do I?
On December 31, 1999, I probably weighed about 260lbs, and I thought I was an absolute heifer. Admittedly, I was dangerously overweight, probably by about 80 or 90lbs. And this was after saying, “LOSE 4 STONE THIS YEAR,” on January 1st 1999.
If I’d lost the weight then, it might have been easier on me now. If I’d lost the weight then, I might have lost it and kept it off.
Suffice to say that every year’s resolution since I was about 12 has included, “Lose weight!” in one way or another. I don’t have all my diaries from then, but the ones I do have all scream the same:
You are fat and ugly and you need to lose weight or you’ll never get a boyfriend!
I always thought that that was the only reason for losing weight. I never had a boyfriend in high school. I had plenty of boys who were friends, but when what you really want is your first kiss, your first dirty fumble under the covers, then that’s all that matters.
If I’d known, in 1999, that a decade later that I’d weight 160lbs more, do you think I’d have spent the year drinking full-calorie sodas and sneaking change to the shop to buy crisps and tablet?
(Admittedly, I also snuck change out to the shop to buy the newspaper. I’m still not sure why.)
But when I think about walking to school back then, and how I thought I was a heifer…
Nowadays, and I am not kidding, I would not make the walk. And even if I managed to gasp my way from my house at the time down to my school, I’d never make the walk back.
Back then, I played rugby and I basketball – the one year that I got a commendation for physical education was the year that I spent swimming and playing basketball, and I was thrilled, because I was easily the fattest person in my year, if not the entire high school – and I still didn’t lose any weight, because I was still eating fatty school lunches, crisps, tablet, full-calorie sodas, and basically anything that my little amount of money would cover.
I never in a million years thought that I’d get to this point. I never thought in a million years that I’d get to the point where it makes me out of breath to climb the 13 steps to the upper floor of our house. I used to climb 4 flights of stairs to make it to registration in school in the morning, and climbing 2 flights of stairs at the social welfare office means I almost have an asthma attack?
Fucking hell, guys, never in a million years.
I feel worse now than I did when I lived in Swords.
When I lived in Swords, I worked 5 minutes up the street and couldn’t make the walk without my back going numb – I’m currently wondering if it’s a form of sciatica brought on by my weight, and I’ll ask my doctor about it next time I’m in – and me getting out of breath.
When I made the same walk to the shop at lunchtime (for a chicken, cheese, stuffing and garlic mayonnaise baguette which probably came out at about 1,500 calories) I had to sit down outside, under pretense of checking my phone or calling people, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to make it back up the road properly.
Now, I worry about making it upstairs.
Now, I worry about not being able to walk up to the car from around the corner at the social welfare office. I worry about not making it to the end of my cul-de-sac to climb into Dad’s car. I don’t think I’d even make it to the end of my street, and I can see the end of my street from the top of my cul-de-sac.
You guys. You guys.
Never. In a BAZILLION years did I ever think I’d get this bad. I had always written about how fat I was and how gross I was and how I’d never get a boyfriend, but I never thought: you’re going to weigh more than 400lbs one day. I didn’t know people could weigh more than 400lbs and still walk. Still breathe, still be alive. I thought 400lbs was the equivalent of about 6 elephants.
And here I am.
273lbs (123.83kg) to go
It’s not the heaviest I’ve ever been.
But, fuck, you guys. I’ve never felt worse.