Mmmm… breakfast. And lunch. And supper!
I don’t know if people believe when I try to explain how much pain I’m in; that I’m always feeling sick, and that I’m always, always tired. With invisible illnesses, I find that that’s the case, a lot of the time, from friends who also suffer invisible illnesses – my sister has suffered from practically debilitating migraines for most of her adult life, and her old doctor simply said to her one day that she was just a “headachey person”- and let’s just ignore the fact that a migraine is NOT a headache. THIS WAS HER DOCTOR.
I’m lucky, in that my doctor listens to me, up to a point, but we’ve gotten to a point where he literally won’t increase my painkiller dosage, saying that he can’t/won’t, because, and I quote, “What if [I] need a higher dose of painkillers when [I’m] 50 or 60?”
I’ve tried reasoning with him, saying that I’ll deal with it then, or that I really effing hope that there have been medical advancements in pain treatment in 20-minus-a-few-years’ time, but he’s stuck. He won’t increase my painkillers’ dosage.
(I say painkillers’ dosage, plural, because I’m currently on FOUR: Tapentadol SR [slow release] 100mg; Tapentadol 5mg; Naproxen 250mg; and Gabapentin 300mg. One Tapentadol twice a day; one 50mg Tapentadol twice a day when required; one Naproxen three times a day; two Gabapentin, three times a day.)
Thing is, I’m still in pain, even when fully dosed up. It’s what makes upright exercise so painful.
Last Friday, I was supposed to be going swimming in the morning, but Mum had gotten sick – someone had passed on a flu-type cold bug thing, where she had been feeling like crap, cotton-wool headed, and achey muscles, joints, etc. She, like the IDIOT SHE IS, hadn’t gotten her flu jag before Christmas. And despite me getting my flu jag, still managed to catch a mild dose of this thing from Mum, so I have spent the weekend and the days before and after it feeling like absolute crap, because I ran out of my painkillers – I ordered them, but the ‘script never got refilled on time, and only arrived today – so I was in pain from lack of Tapentadol, and Naproxen and Gabapentin don’t cut the mustard enough, and in pain from sneezing, fuzzy-headedness, feeling-like-crapness.
I didn’t get to go swimming, because when I woke up, my ribcage was sore, and I could barely raise my arms.
I didn’t get to go swimming today yet, because I had to wait for my painkillers to arrive. I’ll leave it until tomorrow, because they’ll have had a chance to kick in and maybe I won’t feel so much like crap by tomorrow.
Thing is: I said to Mum once that I was thinking about maybe coming off all of my painkillers for a week or so, just so that I know exactly where all of my pain is. So that I can say to Dr. David, “Yes, it’s not just my back. It’s my shoulders. My neck. My hips. My knees. My ankles. My big toe where I got a hairline fracture, still hurts when it’s cold, didn’tcha know?”
Now I know for sure that I’m definitely not going to do that, because OW, JESUS CHRIST, THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN that I don’t think I’d be able to survive. Between shoulder aches, backaches, my hips and my knees and my ankles; migraines and headaches; the pain radiating out from my spine constantly… yeah, just no.
It’s no wonder I’m constantly tired. I’m constantly in pain, even if the painkillers are doing their job, and killing it. It’s still there. I feel so sorry for my poor body, having to deal with this.
I am, as the title says, sick and tired. Of being sick and tired.