reverb10, story of my life

Reverb 10 Prompt #31: Core Story

Prompt: Core Story
What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)
(Author: Molly O’Neill)

In case you haven’t realised by now: what is at the very core of me is sort of complicated.

As I’m sure is a common thread between people who want to lose weight, I love food. It’s how I got into this difficulty in the first place.

I love (most) smells, (most) tastes and (most) textures, with some exceptions.

I like sweet things and sour things and savoury things – I love pastry. I don’t actually like chocolate too much. I prefer tropical fruits over ‘normal’ fruits. Cherries are my favourite, followed closely by pineapple.

My favourite meat is bacon.

My favourite fast-food is Taco Bell, and I’m glad it doesn’t exist in the UK. My favourite restaurant is Applebee’s, and I’m glad it doesn’t exist in the UK, although if I had the money, I’d think about franchising.

I love cinnamon and raisin bagels with chive flavour low-fat Philadelphia. With bacon. And sometimes chicken, too, if we have it.

I love soup: plain old Cream of Tomato soup. I love my home-made carrot and coriander soup, but I hate how much effort goes into making it.

I hate brussel sprouts. I hate beans (but I love refried beans) and I hate marrowfat peas, but I like garden peas when Mum uses them in her bowtie-and-peas alfredo.

I am not a fussy eater, although sometimes I will be, out of spite or out of mood.

I will happily eat until I’m stuffed, and then I will complain about it.

When I was younger, something happened to me that made me gain weight because I wanted to be hideous. When I stopped using that as an excuse, I didn’t stop eating.

I have nobody to blame but myself:

My mother didn’t force me to eat until I weighed about 23st (322lbs) at age 16. My father never told me I was useless or ugly. My parents love me, and told me I could be anything.

I ate.

At age 23, I weighed my heaviest-ever weight of 449lbs.

And I will never, ever let myself get back to that. If I can, I will never let myself get back to 400lbs.

So this is my core story:

I am trying my hardest, even in the weeks that it seems like I’m not, just to not get to 449lbs again.

I know what it’s like to weigh that much.

I could barely walk. I couldn’t climb 13 stairs without being out of breath.

So yes.

Even in the weeks when it seems like I’m not trying, I am.

I am trying to live, with this love of food that goes against everything that I want.

    I WANT TO BE FIT.
    I WANT TO BE HEALTHY.
    AND I STILL WANT TO EAT REALLY, REALLY TASTY FOOD THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.

How do you work the three out? How do they fit together?

Because I’m not sure.

So here’s my core motto:

I’m just gonna keep trying.

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