babble, mental health, photos, story of my life

In Which I’m Grieving The Loss Of A Family Member

9th January 2018

This is not the greatest start to 2018. Not by a long shot. Please bear in mind that I’m still grieving my cat, Twig.

I was getting ready to go back to college this morning. Had an appointment at physiotherapy to see what they could do to help my knees (stretches and exercises to strengthen the knee joint, and help improve muscle mass and flexibility – I can’t remember if it’s the VMU or VLU muscle that’s apparently weak. The one on the inside of the leg.) so I got to have a lie-in, and got up, and before I’d even gone to the bathroom to pee, my Mum turned to me (their computer room is next to my bedroom, and both Mum and Dad tend to spend an hour or so in the morning on the computer doing stuff before going about their daily routine) and said:

“Helen’s dead.”

My Aunty Helen (left) with my big sister, Linda, on Linda's wedding day, 2014

My Aunty Helen (left) with my big sister, Linda, on Linda’s wedding day, 2014

Family History

When I was younger – I’m talking 20-odd years ago – I got into a fight in school with a friend. Someone told me that she’d been spreading rumours that I’d been sexually assaulted when I was in Primary School. Turns out that the rumour that she’d been spreading rumours wasn’t true, but the fact that I’d been sexually assaulted obviously was. I still don’t know who told who, or why the rumours started, but that was the truth. My Uncle Thomas – my Mum’s youngest brother – sexually abused me and my sister over the span of almost a decade. I told my parents, we got the police involved, someone fucked up, and he was free to live his happy life, marry, and have kids. We had to live with the scars of it, including the fact that, despite his admittance of guilt to the police when he was taken in, he got off scot-free. My mother’s side of the family also stood by him, despite his admittance of guilt and the fact that my Mum’s Dad was also more than a little abusive to his kids and his wife.

My Aunty Helen started talking us again a few years later. I still can’t remember how or why, but the fact remains that Helen is the only sibling my mother talks to.

You Can’t Choose Your Family (but if I did, I wouldn’t have chosen these assholes)

My Aunty Helen’s husband, Uncle Robert, died in 2001, and was buried on my 18th birthday. My big sister, Linda, attended the funeral, but none of the rest of us did. The rest of Mum’s siblings were going to be there, and I was terrified about facing Thomas King for the first time since I was about 11.

Of course, Mum’s siblings are also going to be there at Aunty Helen’s funeral, whenever it happens – they’re doing a post-mortem, so it might take a week or two? IDK. I’ve luckily not had to sort out a funeral for a human thus far. I will be attending my Aunty Helen’s funeral. I will have to try my hardest to not launch an all-out tirade at the dickless wonders who call themselves the Kings and their significant others and offspring. IT’S MY GODDAMN AUNT’S FUNERAL.

Eating My Feelings

This is the problem: I’m an emotional eater. I eat when I’m bored. I eat when I’m sad. I eat when I’m upset. I eat when I’m grieving. I eat when I’m mourning. I eat when I’m numb.

I’m currently in the “numb” stage. I broke down crying on the way to physio this morning. I emailed my lecturers and told them I wouldn’t be coming in this week. I’m sitting here and I feel like I can’t feel anything, like maybe it’s a nightmare I’ll wake up from in a few hours’ time.

It’s not.

When I came out of physio this morning, I went to Sainsbury’s to get food. I got food at the café and then realised that I’d probably get home around lunchtime, so went into the store and bought new socks in the sale (unicorns, and rainbows, and a pair of musical Santa slipper socks) and two slices of cheesecake and clotted cream and a tube of Pringles.

Mum ate the other slice of cheesecake (café latte flavour; not coffee-ish enough for our liking, but the cheesecake was half decent), and I ate the tub of Pringles in a single sitting, not even paying attention to them. A tub of Pringles has about 1000 calories in it.

I’m just counting my lucky stars that that’s all I brought home. It could have been worse.

It didn’t make me feel any better. My Aunt is still dead. We’re still grieving.

There’s no waking up from that.

babble, mental health, randomosity, story of my life

The Problem With Blogging For More Than A Decade…

23rd November 2017

…is that eventually, you’re bound to run out of ideas of what to say. I mean, I’ve been blogging via FATGIRLslim since 2004, and a lot has changed since then. Blogging is not like it used to be.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not quitting, and if I ever did decide to stop blogging, forever, then I’d find somewhere that I could archive my Adventures In Weight Loss.

I’m still trying to decide what I want to do in terms of content here at FATGIRLslim. Do I accept the bazillion offers of guest posts that keep showing up in my inbox? Do I continue to babble about attempting to lose weight while fighting my urge to binge eat and eat entire boxes of food in secret so nobody knows how bad it is?

What I’d love to do is to really examine my relationship with food, which is a terrible one. I’d like to know why I binge eat, and why I eat a lot in secret – beyond the “so people don’t see me consuming 15,000 in a sitting”, I mean – and I’d like to start mending that relationship with food.

But, to be honest, I don’t even know where to start. My local health service doesn’t recognise binge eating and food addiction as real things, and the only clinic that deals with eating disorders only helps those suffering from anorexia or bulimia.

So what am I going to do?

I don’t know.

I’ve signed up for Sport Relief again for 2018 – I completed a 1 mile swim and a 3 mile walk in 2016, and was chuffed to raise as much as I did – so I’ve got something to train for.

I’m back at Weight Watchers, although I had to have my cat euthanised in my second or third week and have basically been eating to numb my grief since then (R.I.P. my darling Twiglet), and really need to start tracking again and focusing on what I’m eating.

Other than that…? I’m tempted to go fully digital, and just vlog on the FATGIRLslim YouTube Channel instead of writing. But I’m not sure how well that would go, considering bad my habit is of babbling while I’m vlogging and diverging from the point.

I’ll figure something out. If anyone has any suggestions about what they’d like to see as far as updates go, please feel free to let me know!

As of now: I’m still alive, but I’m slowly creeping my way back to my all-time high weight again. Everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) hurts. Painkillers barely help. And college is eating my life, but at least it gets me out of the house.

I hope y’all are doing well, and I’m sorry there are such huge gaps between posts. Hopefully I’ll decide what I’m doing soon, and remedy that. 🙂

body talk, Slimming World, weigh-in, weight gain, weight loss

Slimming World Weigh-in – April 20 and April 27, 2017

1st May 2017

Slimming World Weigh-In: April 20

-6lbs since April 6, 2017

Slimming World Weigh-In: April 27

-9lbs since April 6, 2017

I really ought to check my blog when I think I’ve updated with my weigh-in; most of the time, I haven’t.

I’m now into week four of Slimming World (if we count my first week post-initial weigh-in as week one) and I’m really enjoying the plan. I’ve had one or two really bad days where I just haven’t said no to myself, and they’re all in this current week, sigh.

Last week, I thought I’d go off the rails because of some bad news from the vet about my old lady cat, Twig. I honestly thought I’d just freak out and eat everything in sight. So far, I’ve managed not to do that, but those bad days were pretty bad.

I screwed my knee up not last Wednesday, but the Wednesday before that. I was walking home, and when I turned the corner to come into my street, my knee went away from me; I felt blinding pain for a moment, and since then it’s been feeling like something’s moving inside my knee. Like, if I try to stand completely straight up and lock my knees, it feels like the right-hand side of my kneecap is shifting around in there. It’s horrible.

So I’ve not been able to do any exercise at all, which is annoying. I think after this week, I’ll be okay to go back to swimming, but I’ll need to make sure I’m okay with swimming before doing Aqua Zumba and Spinfit again. I don’t want to aggravate it. I was supposed to be going out with my big sister this past weekend (Saturday 29) and I’d forgotten about it completely; I was only reminded when Linda texted me. Couldn’t go because of my knee. Pretty annoyed about that, but I don’t particularly want to have a night out where I can’t dance because my knee keeps falling out from underneath me.

Hopefully I’ll be okay by this time next week.

Slimming World, weigh-in, weight loss

In Which Tracy Joins Slimming World

14th April 2017

Last week, Mum and I finally managed to make it to join Slimming World. We’ve been talking about it for a while, now, but college timetables were evil. We finally got to join last week, the first week of my Easter Break.

Thing is, I weighed myself at the New Year, so I know what weight I was at the start of the year. And when I got weighed last week, I’d managed to gain about 20lbs since the start of the year, if not more (my memory of what my weight was in pounds is a little foggy, if I’m honest) and I’d gotten to the point where my back pain was getting really bad again, so I knew I’d gained SOMETHING. Just didn’t realise quite how much it was until I stepped on the scales.

-7.5lbs since April 6, 2017

I got my 1/2 stone award (Slimming World version of a Silver 7™ from Weight Watchers) – and I got a certificate, and you’re supposed to get a sticker, too, but I was incorrectly given a 1.5st loss award, instead of 7lb loss, so I’ll need to swap that out next week at weigh-in.

The good news is that I’ve not been at all hungry this week. Not something I’ve ever really claimed before, but the only time I felt any hunger was one of the days when I didn’t eat breakfast, and meant to eat toast between dinner and bed time, and forgot. And even then, it was just a little hunger, not like, belly-gurgling, feeling-the-need-to-binge hunger.

So I’m okay with that.

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