I was reading an old diary of mine last night, and I mentioned something that made me cover my mouth and want to cry.
It said, “Tracy, you are a fat bitch. You have been a fat bitch since you were ten years old, and it has got to stop. You were a size 18 when you were 13 years old, and you weigh 23 stone at 16! How the hell can you live with yourself?”
I don’t know, exactly, how I kept on letting it go on. I had so many entries where they said, “right, that’s it! That’s the last sweet/cake/treat/chocolate/pastry/whatever. Diet starts tomorrow.”
I don’t think I ever really believed what I said. Part of me really wishes I bloody well had. Except that I know that cold turkey never works out too well.
I ate a whole bag of caramelised cashews last night in a fit of pique because my bank is being assholeish.
Yesterday was day 3. Unfortunately, after I got off of work at 8.15pm, I really didn’t feel like posting much anything. Didn’t stop me from spamming Livejournal, but still. LJ doesn’t require thought.
However, yesterday was not too bad at all, despite the above mentioned problem. I nipped up to Tesco after work and bought some mushrooms and ready-chopped onion to make a variation on Kalyn’s stuffed grilled portobello mushrooms – it basically involved me taking the spaghetti bolognese that Mum had made for herself and me earlier, re-heating it, cooking the mushrooms under the grill after cutting out the stalk and gills, stuffing the mushrooms with the bolognese and topping it with cheese, and shoving the whole lot back under the grill for 5 minutes until the cheese was melted.
I actually had it with a side of chicken breast pieces. It was nummy. Unfortunately, none of my food ever turns out photogenic enough that I’d consider taking a picture and showing it off.
Maybe eventually. Maybe once I have my own place and get obsessive over my own cutlery and crockery.
However, this is not that time!
Anyway, yesterday was fine. Had a chicken-ham salad for lunch (mmmmm, the ham was luvverly) and the mushrooms for dinner. Eggs with lean back bacon, all mooshed up for breakfast. String cheese sticks for snack, and cashews for my other snack.
I’m not so much craving pasta and rice and bread, so much as I’m having difficulty with substituting them with something suitable for Phase One. I’m not allowed butternut squash, which is definitely my favourite substitute for potatoes. I don’t like broccoli or cauliflower. I’m not too keen on most vegetables, actually. I’ve never really met a fruit I didn’t like, except for Granny Smith apples and Star Fruit.
So that’s my biggest problems.
The other problem was definitely, “where the hell am I going to weigh myself? OMFG I could have put on 14lbs and never realised!”
That one’s easier to solve, most definitely. I found the big red scales up at Tesco! They hadn’t removed them; they’d just moved them to nearer the toilets.
I got on the scales, got weighed, and smiled.
I’m still kind of smiling, actually. I know it’s not my biggest weight loss, but man. In the ten days since I got weighed last, I’ve lost 3lbs (exactly). So. Something’s going right!
Today was good. More mooshed eggs and bacon. No snacks because I got up kind of late. Then, Mum was going to make chickpea and pepper curry with chicken, but I tasted it and it wasn’t really my thing. I was more annoyed that we’d wasted our chickpeas! Anyway, continuing on.
Mum and I had to go and get the shopping anyway, so I picked up the stuff to make spicy mexican ‘slaw with lime and coriander and rosemary mustard grilled chicken, and let me tell you: I did not miss, for one bloody second of that whole meal, potatoes or rice or pasta or bread or anything. That was…
Oh, God. It was fantastic. It had roughly a million flavours. I love rosemary, absolutely love it. I love rosemary, thyme, garlic and lemon as a marinade for chicken. It is absolutely delicious. I need to actually write my recipe down for the chicken, because it’s changed from the Cook Yourself Thin recipe I originally followed. I think, if I have a signature dish, it’s got to be my marinaded chicken with butternut squash, garlic and onion.
Because it just… GAH.
I love flavour. I love that Mum has a fresh rosemary plant downstairs. I love that I have a pestle and mortar. I love food.
Love love love.
Which partly led me to this size, but, ironically, it’s going to be food – good, healthy, wholesome food – that gets me away from this size, too.