babble, mental health, story of my life

October Sucks

Today is not a good day at all.  Scratch that: October is not a good month.  It hasn’t been a good month since 2015, when my friend Zero died during the summer.  He was born on Friday 13 October, 1989, and he told me that it was an unlucky day – it’s that typical old superstition, y’know?  What I never got the chance to tell him was that particular Friday 13th was pretty lucky for us, because we got Zero out of it, so.


I’ve had to celebrate three birthdays where he’s not been alive to celebrate it with us.  My little group of friends from back then is… well, it’s a tiny little group of friends, now.


And to add to the pain of celebrating a deceased friend’s birthday, on October 18 last year, I had to take my old lady cat, Twig, to the vet, and have her euthanised.

A photo of me with my (deceased) cat, Twig: I'm holding her in the crook of my arm, she's gripping my vest top with her claw, and she's got her head shoved against my chin while I look at the camera.
Me and my Twiglet. <3

Today’s one year since I had to say goodbye to my old lady, my darling, my babbu, and I still miss her.  It’s not like I ever expect to not miss her.  I still miss Zero, and it’s three years later.  Hell, I’m still grieving their losses.

A Painful Reminder

What I didn’t expect to see was the following:

One of my Timehop memories from yesterday (October 17)

I check Timehop basically every day – mostly for photos of my cats – and this one turned up last night, making me draw in a sharp breath through my clenched teeth.

I actually weighed myself yesterday morning so that I’ve got a start weight for a week of meal replacement products from Exante that I’ve to review, and it was… well.  Not at, but close enough to, my highest-ever weight of 449lbs, that I’m now just sort of staring at the screenshot above and going, “It’s been seven years?  It’s ONLY been seven years, and I managed to regain almost 100lbs – as well as losing some/regaining some/losing some/regaining some etc ad nauseum?!”

Seven years, and I’m close enough to my highest-ever weight again that I’m in constant agony instead of just constant pain.

Where To Go From Here?

You know those times where you sort of take a long hard look and go, “Yup, I’ve been ‘coping’ really badly,” and you need to re-evaluate where the hell you went wrong and what you’ve been doing?

That’s basically where I am right now.

Not back at square one, because square one is actually about 53lbs down from my current weight, but somewhere beyond that.

At some point, I’m going to be able to say, “I’m not giving up on myself,” and I’ll make good on that promise.  Sometimes, I don’t think I’m worth it (the words fat, ugly, disgusting, and useless, are words that I often use to describe myself, after all), and if I don’t think I’m worth it, why would I fight for myself?

It’s a hard place to be.

But you gotta hit rock bottom before you start to climb, right?  “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” RIGHT?

Hell, I gotta start believing in MYSELF before I start believing in clichés.