babble, cravings, mental health, slimpod, story of my life, weigh-in

Monthly Weigh-In: April 2014 AND In Which Tracy Gets Her Head On Straight

ozeri
-5.2lbs
-0.5lbs since Jan 15 2013
365.6lbs

Yay! I’m in the minus digits again!

An apology and an explanation for the late weigh-in

Well, kind of but not really. Sorry I didn’t post it yesterday. Kind of didn’t want to post a weigh-in on April Fool’s Day! Especially not one that’s good like that.

And I know it’s not 8lbs (which would be an average, 2lbs-a-week kind of a month), but I’ll take what I get!

Considering the fact that I’m actually keeping an eye on my weight if I feel something’s a little off (like my knees hurting going down the stairs, and getting really out-of-breath when getting to the top of the stairs in m close), I stepped on the scale at one point during the earlier part of March, and the scales read 379.somethinglbs.

When I was saying that I was having a really tough time lately, I wasn’t joking. It was worse than I was letting on; I tried explaining that. I don’t think I quite got it across.

One fortnight, I didn’t have enough money to buy an actual proper shopping – like, meat and fruit and veg and stuff – because a lot of my bills have converged into the first two/two and a half weeks of the month. And what money I did have, I spent on buying junk food, instead of proper food, because that’s what my pleasure centres wanted, according to my therapist.

She said I’m not getting the good feelings elsewhere most of the times – my lack of friends and human contact means I’ve got these weird problems with impulse control, and despite the fact I don’t actually have cravings any more [YAY THANK YOU ONCE AGAIN, seriously, I can’t thank Sandra at ThinkingSlimmer.com and Slimpods enough. CRAVINGS SUCK.] I still have impulses to stifle the lack of pleasure and happiness that you’d usually get from things like human interaction and just… basic day-to-day activities like going to work and being around other people and walking around and stuff.

So yeah, that’s happened once or twice now. What it means is that I’m actually starting to get signs of what I keep on thinking of as, “Oh dear fucking god no, please tell me I’m not getting malnourished,” but it probably is. It’s showing up as little blisters in the back of my throat that I need to reach in and scratch to pop so they don’t rub against my tongue and drive me mad. The one time I actually remembered to buy multi-vitamins from Lidl, I took them for two months, and the blister-y things went away! So yeah. Lack of macronutrients and vitamins. Signs that I need to eat actual food, and not try to subsist on a diet of pastries, crisps, and gummy sweets.

But that’s also why, at one point in March, I almost hit 380lbs again.

It’s also why, at the start of April, I’ve got my head on straight. Again. Therapy’s slowly breaking me down. I’ve never cried in front of anyone as much as I’ve cried in front of Dr. Walton, I think. (Or, well, not in this short a time, anyway. Over the 31 years, I’ve probably cried in front of Mum more, obviously. Linda and Lorna, too, maybe. Haven’t cried in front of Dad too much, I hope. [*♥ my family*]) She doesn’t put up with my bullshit, and that’s important. She threatened to discharge me if I didn’t actually start to process stuff, because, uh, how else am I going to change?

And I think that’s the important part, really, isn’t it?

I have to want to change.

Maybe I’ve been blogging all these years, thinking I’ve wanted to change, but deep down I’ve been scared I’d never make it or that something’d go wrong or I’d still be a laughing stock or something. I’ve not been ready to change.

I think I’m ready to change now.

I’m ready to change so that I can stop being in pain.

I’m ready to change so that I can be happy.

I’m ready to change so that I can be healthy.

I’m ready to change so that I can have a future.

So I’m going to change.

FATGIRLslim’s going to go through some changes, too, in the next month, but don’t worry, you’ll probably hardly notice a thing.

Hopefully.

The important thing is that I’ve got my head on straight, looking to the future, and that I’m seeing clearly and I’m not scared anymore.

That’s a good first step, right?

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