babble, body talk, exercise, me and my medications, sciatica, story of my life

In Which Fatso’s Everything Hurts

I think the main problem with being overweight, by any amount, is the difference you feel in yourself and your body. Your confidence might fail, or you might get winded when walking up a flight or two of stairs. It’s all completely dependant on personal circumstances and health.

For me, the main problem, other than the obvious, is that I’ve had to learn to live with a huge amount of pain. Yes, I take a lot of painkillers. No, sometimes it doesn’t help. It certainly doesn’t help when you’re taking the painkillers but are left feeling completely unmedicated. I get days like those, sometimes, and they’re horrendous.

On top of that, if a new pain creeps up on me, as they have lately, I know that my doctor, despite being extremely helpful when it comes to my back pain and mental health and what-have-you, is usually left apologetically shrugging, and saying that the only thing I can do to stop the pain is to lose weight.

About two or three months ago, my big toe on my left foot started hurting. The ball of my foot, my big toe, and all the muscles on top of the toe and below it, as well as the muscles around the ball of my foot. It feels like when you need to crack your knuckles but they won’t crack, or when you know you have to pop a joint. That’s what it feels like. If I was a ballerina, I wouldn’t be able to go en pointe. My toe’s just stopped being able to go straight like that, when my foot’s off the ground. Dr. David said it’s because the ball of the foot takes all/most of the pressure when you’re doing things like walking, etc.

Now, I don’t wear heels right now. The biggest heel I own is 1/2″, on my brown boots. So I know it’s not a problem with wearing heels. Hell, even when I was younger and went clubbing, I only ever wore my heels for a few hours a week. One time, I went to work with a pair of heeled shoobs (shoe boots) on, and brought a pair of flats with me, too, because despite sitting down for 95% of my day on my last job (I miss you, Desktop Publishing!), my feet were so sore.

I can’t figure out what makes it flare up. I can wear the same trainers for a week in a row and not get any pain, but when I wear them the next day, my foot’s in agony.

So with every new pain, I have to self-assess and ask, “Would I be told that I need to lose weight to alleviate the pain? Is it worth the bus fare to get up to the doctor’s surgery? Is it really as bad as I think it is?”

Although most of the time the pain’s bad enough to mean a trip to the doctor’s in order, there’ve been a few times where I’ve thought, “I’ll probably just be told this is due to my weight,” and I’ve not gone. I already see my doctor once a month or every two months. Should I be pushing it a little further than I am already?

I mean, you’d think that taking Morphine, Tramadol, Gabapentin and Naprosyn – the latter of which replaced my Diclofenac about a month ago – I wouldn’t be able to feel any pain whatsoever.

And I really wish that were true. I really do sometimes wish I was one of those people with fucked-up pain receptors or whatever. Because now my knee’s started aching, and I feel like I’m walking on a fractured ankle or something. I know that I’m feeling a lot better in myself: I’m not as easy to get out of breath; I can walk farther than I used to be able to; I can work out and sweat like a maniac but I’m still able to walk home right after class or the gym.

And yet my body seems to be breaking down on me, piece by little piece. It’s painful. And disheartening.

And I just wish the pain would stop.

How ’bout any of you? Are you frequently told that your weight’s the cause of most of your problems? Or, if you were overweight and in pain, did losing the weight actually help? Let me know I’m not alone in this! 🙂

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2 thoughts on “In Which Fatso’s Everything Hurts”

  1. I don’t get told to lose weight to stop the pain, BUT I have lost ~2st now, and I have felt the difference in the amount of pain I’m in.. In my weekend job in a bar, my feet hurt a lot less than they did a few months ago, and in my day-to-day life, the pinched nerve in my back has eased up a bit. My feet started slowly but surely pointing inwards, but with weightloss & more attention to the way I walk, that’s getting better as well.

    Saying that, adding exercise to my life has increased my knee & hip pain – tight muscles from lack of use and all that…

    It’s very obvious that losing weight puts a lot less pressure on your bones and joints. But you don’t need to get told this every time you go in. Sometimes a girl just needs a break!

    1. Congrats on the amazing loss, first of all! 🙂

      I fully agree with you, on the last point. NOBODY needs to be told they need to lose weight, especially when they’re asking for help! Suggest gentle exercises, or a good diet plan, or ANYTHING ELSE, but I know that when I get told I need to lose weight, I sort of rage inside and chastise myself and then go and pig out (like it’ll help!) because I KNOW I’M FAT, OKAY? YOU DON’T NEED TO TELL ME, TOO; I FEEL BAD ENOUGH AS IS.

      I’ve actually found that the pain in my back’s gotten a little better… on one side. All of my pain was on my left side, then both sides, and now it’s just mostly on the right-hand side! As well as the weird pain in my big toe/feeling like it needs to crack into place, and the random pains in my right ankle, well. It’s better, I suppose, than having my back go NUMB right across every time I’m out walking!

      The one real positive to take away from it is that my aerobic fitness has increased a fair amount. I only need to drag myself up the last two flights of stairs, instead of all three. 😉

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