… Or: “Like That’s Any Different To Any Other Post”.
Since I’ve started gaining this weight back (excuse me while I scream and hate myself a little), there’s things I’ve been noticing, that I didn’t notice while I was losing weight.
The way in which my clothes were fitting me.
I know I talked about how I could fit into a size 30 jeans, FINALLY, but it’s not that.
I never noticed that the waistband of my tracksuit pants sat higher on my actual waist.
Since I’ve been big, I’ve always had this stupid problem of not being able to find a top that reaches the waistband of my pants.
1) My panniculus (the flap of fat overhanging my pubic mound and upper thighs) drags down the front of any pants I’m wearing. You can see it in the progress pictures where I’m only in my underwear.
2) My boobs are large enough that they make tops ride up in front.
These two factors combined means I need LOOOOOOONG-length tops, like the black vest I frequently wear to exercise classes, to cover the stupid gap my stupid fat stomach and my stupid big boobs create.
I know that I sweat when I’m exercising. It’s a fact I grew to love. I loved the feeling of two drops of sweat trickling down either side of my face and meeting under my chin.
Do you know what sweat I don’t like?
Sweating under my panniculus. Whenever I’m reaching down to wipe myself once I’ve been to the toilet, if my belly moves a little, ALL YOU CAN SMELL IS THE SWEAT.
I clean it every morning: soap and water. I wash it every time I’m in the shower.
And yet it still smells.
It’s disgusting. It wasn’t like this when I was sweating in the gym, so why is it like this now?!
Mum’s going through the menopause right now. She’s having flushes and night sweats and-
It’s not a pretty picture.
We’re both on Gabapentin. She’s on it for the menopause; I’m on it for my pain.
Since I’ve gained back this 40-odd pounds, I’ve started having night sweats. Upper thighs, mostly. Some around my knees and lower thighs.
It’s disgusting. The sheets stick to me when I try to turn over. It starts to dry in, and it means I’m FREEZING.
I don’t know what the fuck it means.
I just know it’s gross, and I need to lose weight so it stops happening.
Being out of breath.
Not gross, but something I definitely took for granted: I moved into my flat at the start of the year, and I was able to climb the three flights of stairs, and end up at my front door hardly out of breath.
Now I’m dragging myself up the stairs, and sometimes I have to pause outside of number 8 (bottom of my flight of stairs) just to catch my breath before making the final ascent.
I hate that I’ve gained this weight back.
I hate what it’s doing to my body.
I hate that I hate my body like this.
I just need help.