babble, body talk, story of my life

In Which Fatso Talks Openly About Gross Stuff…

… Or: “Like That’s Any Different To Any Other Post”.

Since I’ve started gaining this weight back (excuse me while I scream and hate myself a little), there’s things I’ve been noticing, that I didn’t notice while I was losing weight.

The way in which my clothes were fitting me.

I know I talked about how I could fit into a size 30 jeans, FINALLY, but it’s not that.

I never noticed that the waistband of my tracksuit pants sat higher on my actual waist.

Since I’ve been big, I’ve always had this stupid problem of not being able to find a top that reaches the waistband of my pants.

1) My panniculus (the flap of fat overhanging my pubic mound and upper thighs) drags down the front of any pants I’m wearing. You can see it in the progress pictures where I’m only in my underwear.

2) My boobs are large enough that they make tops ride up in front.

These two factors combined means I need LOOOOOOONG-length tops, like the black vest I frequently wear to exercise classes, to cover the stupid gap my stupid fat stomach and my stupid big boobs create.


I know that I sweat when I’m exercising. It’s a fact I grew to love. I loved the feeling of two drops of sweat trickling down either side of my face and meeting under my chin.

Do you know what sweat I don’t like?

Sweating under my panniculus. Whenever I’m reaching down to wipe myself once I’ve been to the toilet, if my belly moves a little, ALL YOU CAN SMELL IS THE SWEAT.

I clean it every morning: soap and water. I wash it every time I’m in the shower.

And yet it still smells.

It’s disgusting. It wasn’t like this when I was sweating in the gym, so why is it like this now?!


Mum’s going through the menopause right now. She’s having flushes and night sweats and-

It’s not a pretty picture.

We’re both on Gabapentin. She’s on it for the menopause; I’m on it for my pain.

Since I’ve gained back this 40-odd pounds, I’ve started having night sweats. Upper thighs, mostly. Some around my knees and lower thighs.

It’s disgusting. The sheets stick to me when I try to turn over. It starts to dry in, and it means I’m FREEZING.

I don’t know what the fuck it means.

I just know it’s gross, and I need to lose weight so it stops happening.

Being out of breath.

Not gross, but something I definitely took for granted: I moved into my flat at the start of the year, and I was able to climb the three flights of stairs, and end up at my front door hardly out of breath.

Now I’m dragging myself up the stairs, and sometimes I have to pause outside of number 8 (bottom of my flight of stairs) just to catch my breath before making the final ascent.

I hate that I’ve gained this weight back.

I hate what it’s doing to my body.

I hate that I hate my body like this.


I just need help.



8 thoughts on “In Which Fatso Talks Openly About Gross Stuff…”

  1. ok, you shirt/pant combo problem. may I suggest maternity tops? they are longer in the front to accomodate for the baby bump. they might be a help for you while you're in this health limbo where your weight wants to fluctuate. maternity pants may help, too, since they're stretchy and pull up higher than regular pants. I have a friend who gained a lot of weight due to steroids and a health problem and she just decided to go with maternity clothes because she said they were made to "make the top heavy comfy" and she had gained all her weight from the hips up.

    now, the sweat problem. I'm wondering if besides just sweat that you may have a yeast infection going on under there? hence the smell? I know that antibiotics can cause yeast infections and it could be possible your new meds + the night sweats have caused one for you. not sure if you have any over the counter remedies for that where you are. and if that's not it, Gold Bond powder…just shake it all over. 🙂 seriously. that stuff is amazing.

    hang in there! it will all get better. you'll be healed soon and back on track. 🙂

    1. I never even thought about maternity wear. Currently wondering if I can find it in my size, because that's a damn good suggestion. I HATE that larger sizes (24+) don't accomodate for bigger boobs and bigger bellies! They make them bigger around, but not longer length, etc.

      As far as I can tell, it's not a yeast infection – I've had so many under there that I've sort of gotten to know what they smell like, YUCK – but I suppose there'd be no harm in making an appointment with Dr. David to get it checked out when I'm seeing him next. And asking him about medicated powders, etc. Because when washing + drying alone isn't enough, you know you've gotta do something else, right?

      (Sadly, I don't think they sell Gold Bond Powder here. They don't even sell Dr. Scholl's powder here, which I had to buy for my Dad's smelly feet when I was on holiday in Florida three years back. But there must be SOMETHING.)

      I can't wait until I'm healed. Upper-body exercise JUST ISN'T ENOUGH.

      1. You also get the bands of fabric for fitting between your tops and pants for when you're pregnant. If you knew someone with sewing machine you could even make them yourself!

  2. Boots has a bunch of medicated powders (including vagisil which may not be appropriate) but if you can get them as a prescription it might be considerably cheaper. You could also try using crystal deodorant which might serve to kill bacteria there too.

    1. I used Crystal when I was in college. DX I do not ever want to use it again. Ouch, ouch, ouch.

      But yeah, I know it's a kind of "something for nothing" mentality, but if I can get it on prescription, I'd rather get it on prescription. If I had a job, I probably wouldn't mind so much, just going in and buying something, but ugh. Limited resources.

    1. Don't know how appropriate that'd be for under my belly flap, though! I'd need to ask Dr. David before doing anything, just in case it could worsen the situation and/or bring ON a yeast infection. Which I really don't want. You remember what that was like. 🙁 THE SMELL.

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