babble, exercise, hamilton water palace, me and my medications, mental health, story of my life, walking

In Which Fatso Is Kind of Creeped Out By Hamilton

So, I had an appointment with Dr. David to talk about my brain pills today, along with this weird thing that’s happening with my back.

And by that, I mean a new weird thing with my back.

(When I’m out walking and I turn my head to the right, I get this weird kind of shock down my back from my hips down to my feet; I had an electric shock once, and it feels like a 10% gentler version of that.)

He said I’ve probably got a pinched nerve in my neck, because I’ve got a wee bit of pain right at the base of my skull where my spine joins on.

But other than that, we both have no idea. It only happens with I turn my head to the right.

Speaking of being out walking: it’s extremely disconcerting when you can hear/feel your spine clicking/popping while you’re out for a walk. I’m half terrified that it’s just going to snap/crumble/break one time and I’ll be left lying on the pavement with no feeling from my hips down and being annoyed because I’ve got my GPS running and I’m not actually moving.

The good news is that I feel semi-stable on these new pills, so I’ll be staying on them for the foreseeable future. By semi-stable, I mean I’m not as manic as I used to be; neither am I as suicidally depressed as I usually am.

(More parentheses; I do apologise: I sometimes find myself sleeping until 4pm or 5pm, because I get up, feed my cat, and then go, “There’s no point in being awake. I’ll just be sitting around doing nothing.” And go back to my bed until insane hours. And then, when I wake up, I’m lying in bed for anything up to half an hour, just thinking, “This would be easier if I was dead. I wouldn’t have to deal with getting up and feeling like a fuck-up.” It’s not traditionally suicidal – trust me, I know how that feels, too – but it’s definitely serious dark thoughts. I’m not having as many as I was between medications, but I don’t feel happy, either. I’m at that kind of just-above-completely-fucking-depressed point, where I can sit and stare at something for half an hour and just not give a shit about anything. Sometimes I think it’d be easier to feel nothing, but then again… if I’m not feeling like a failure or a fuck-up, I either feel nothing, or I’m in a manic phase. Rapid cycling also happens. It’s not fun. But I feel more stable on these pills. And hopefully, now that my actual therapeutic sessions of therapy are starting next week, I’ll get the binge-eating and food addiction and my absolute hatred and disgust for this skin suit I’m wearing under control. /babble)

Anyway, I had an appointment with Dr. David, and I bought a £4 all-day ticket (which allows you to use the bus as often, or as much, as you want, in a single day) and headed up to the doctor’s. I actually made it on time, this time, but I had to actually shout at someone waiting at the bus stop to hold the bus I needed until I got there, and then I ran/bounced to the bus.

I got the bus up to see Dr. David, and when I came out of the surgery, I went to the bus stop, seeing a 226 just passing me when I was about 15 feet from the bus stop. I sat down, got my Zombies, Run! game started, and then just thought… “It’s only a mile into town. What the fuck am I doing?”

While I was walking down the hill, I nipped into a new tattooist’s shop on Low Waters Road and got a quote for the Kingdom Hearts tattoo I want. I gotta save up £60 or £70, basically, which is cool with me.

Then, about twenty feet down the road after that, I saw this:

Yup, I saw an Instagram photo!
Yup, I saw an Instagram photo!

It actually made me smile like crazy.

When I got into town, I was going to hop on a bus up to Equis, which is just down the road from The Water Palace, where I had Spinning at 6.30pm. I was just about to step onto the bus, when the driver said, “Hey, I’m not in service!” and pointed to the roof of the bus. I stepped off, and it still had the number 226 on it, and I said as much to the driver. “It’s the last stop. I’m done. Off.”

When I stepped out of the bus again, the 226 had changed to, “Sorry, I’m not in service.”

It’s not even a termination of route point. It was like he’d just stopped at that stop and went, “I can’t be arsed anymore, I’m going home.”

So, rather than wait for another bus, I just decided to walk to the gym. Pssh, it’s only another mile, what?

I was going to take the easy route, and head down towards the Town Hall and up past the bars and past the dole office.

Instead, I decided to walk up the huge hill towards Equi’s. This hill is totally weird, because I’m pretty sure there’s actually quite a high elevation from bottom to top, but it’s such a LONG hill, that I can walk up it without bending my knees. It’s actually just like walking, except for one tiny bit of it where a hill crests sharply in the middle of the hill.

I ended up getting to the gym 2 hours early. Oy.

And then, when I was finished, I had to head to ASDA to get some food, and some pumpkins.

And to get completely creeped out by this guy(?) sitting on the bench just up from the Town Hall…

I thought it was a crazy, creepy dummy. But when I passed later, it was gone...
I thought it was a crazy, creepy dummy, because it didn’t have hands…

He/it didn’t move when I got close enough to take the photo. The jacket was bulky like it had been stuffed, and the head was so close to the chest that it just seemed unreal. I actually crossed the road to take the photo, and it didn’t look like the person was breathing? Obviously in a sleeping position, though, with his/its head like that…

Also, just down the road from that, I finally took a picture of this path that goes nowhere:

I'm pretty sure their front doors aren't there; they're around the other side.
I’m pretty sure their front doors aren’t there; they’re around the other side.

Anyway. ASDA seem to be going all-out for Hallowe’en. There’s “cobwebs” all over stuff, and some of the staff were dressed up.


Got what I needed, called a taxi, and headed the hell home, because all I’d had all day was a bowl of Bran Flakes and almost 2 litres of water/diluting juice and I needed sustenance.

Oh. And when I passed the bench on the way home, the dummy/sleeping person was gone…

4 thoughts on “In Which Fatso Is Kind of Creeped Out By Hamilton”

  1. ok, that dummy/sleeping person WAS creepy! He looks like he was wearing a fireman’s suit. That’s what they look like here in the States. Weird!
    I hope the new meds keep working for you and that you’re feeling better mentally and physically. I spent the summer detoxing from my anti-anxiety med and that was awful. I feel much better physically since I’ve been off them and mentally, well, I think I’m better equipped to handle my anxiety than I was when I went on the med years ago. I’m glad that you’ve found a med that works for you. One of the reasons I went off mine was because of weight gain and the fact that the med worked in a way that wouldn’t let me lose weight and keep it off. I’d always get to about 15lbs gone and then regain. So frustrating.
    I hope the dark thoughts stay gone. You are such an amazing person and I would hate to think of you as gone. I love reading your blog and I thank you for it. 🙂

    1. THAT’S what it looked like he was wearing, yes! Thank you. It was TOTALLY creepy.

      Ugh, detoxing from meds is horrendous. But at least it’s over and done with them? 🙂 I don’t do too well with my bipolar disorder when I’m unmedicated. So I’m glad that you can deal with the anxiety when you’re OFF your meds. And re: weight gain, yeah. UGH. I’m so glad I’ve found a med that doesn’t make me gain weight. I was on Mirtazapine for years, and I had so much difficulty losing weight while I was, I totally know what you were going through.

      And thank you. <3

  2. I wanted to tell you that I went back to spin class today after a 3 year hiatus from the bike. You totally inspired me to just go do it. 🙂 I am so glad I did! It’s been far too long. Thanks for the inspiration!

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