My body wants me to roll over and give up.
I’m half tempted to listen to it. Only half tempted, mind you, in those minutes and hours when the painkillers aren’t quite working correctly.
For two weeks now, I’ve been getting this extra pain in my hip that doesn’t go away, even after I’ve taken my full doses of Morphine SR, Tramadol, Diclofenac and Gabapentin. It’s worse when I lean forward for something – leaning out of the shower to grab my shower gel or toothbrush and toothpaste – or when I’m bent over the sink doing the dishes.
It’s a constant pain in my hip when I’m trying to sleep.
The ball joint, I think, of my right leg, has started to hurt. My right ankle has a painful crick in it that won’t go away.
And I’m getting pains in my spine.
Now, I’ve got a cheek to complain about pains in my back and my hip and my spine or whatever, because my Aunty Alison BROKE HER BACK two or three weeks ago and almost paralysed herself, so my chronic pain is probably nothing in comparison to a broken back.
But, to be honest?
I’ve been living with this now since college. That’s since 2004 or 2005; whenever I gained so much weight that walking from the waterfront in Greenock to the college building in the middle of town became difficult, and my hip started going numb when I walked.
It’s chronic. It’s been caused by my weight, but I’m pretty sure it’s something I’ll be dealing with the rest of my life. It won’t magically disappear once I’m at my goal weight.
But these pains in my spine are really worrying me. I couldn’t stand up straight properly when I was walking home tonight. I had to stick my ass out and lean forward so my spine was bent, and I had to take the Lidocaine sticky patches that had been on my knees for the walk and Spinning, and put them on my back, and I was still in pain.
Personally, I think that anybody who’s on as many painkillers as I am shouldn’t be able to feel anything. I’m still in pain.
I’m pretty much always in pain. Even when I’m walking and I’m thinking, “Yeah, I’m doing okay,” I’m still in pain, somewhere on my body. A pain in my ankle, or pains in my knees, or these weird pains in my spine.
The pains in my hip, now, that don’t go away. If my body’s resting and I’m not in too much pain from moving, then I’m almost guaranteed to have a headache or a migraine, despite taking tablets for those, too.
I’m sick of being in pain. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired. I sleep for up to fourteen hours a day before I’m exhausted from pain and the tablets I take knock me the hell out.
How am I supposed to live a normal life when I’m like this? Ugh.
Thing is, my body’s just paying the price for years of abuse. Someone else abused me first, and I abused myself before they stopped in a different way, and I’ve been abusing myself ever since.
I wish my brain would get with the program already. Something needs to change, or I’m going to be stuck in this stupid malfunctioning shell for the rest of my life.