mental health

Explanation/Apology/Continued Absence

So, y’all might have noticed that I’ve been missing for a while? Considering that my last actual post was in April, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t noticed.

I apologise about not explaining why I’ve been MIA since then, and why I’ll be MIA for… maybe a while? Hopefully not too much longer.

I’ve mentioned plenty of times before about my mental health, and how terrible it is. How many different pills I’ve tried and the varying degrees of lack-of-success I’ve had taking them.

Since last year when my friend/sort-of-boyfriend Zero died, my brain has been a black hole of depression, guilt and grief. I tried to get a referral to my therapist, but the NHS’s mental health services is beyond fucked-up right now, and I was referred to Beating The Blues, which deals with depression and anxiety, and not suicidal tendencies caused by grief.

Thanks, NHS South Lanarkshire.

I’ve been unmedicated for more than a year for my mental health disorders, because they either cause weight gain, or weight gain and rapid cycling, or weight gain and manic episodes, or weight gain and sexual dysfunction.

Trust me: I don’t need any of these things.

Unfortunately, what that means is:

My brain is a black hole right now. My depression is pretty bad. Not quite I’d-be-happy-to-lie-in-bed-all-day-and-not-move pretty bad, because the amount of pain I’d be in would directly increase the depression, so I at least get out of bed.

More like, “I’m happier pretending to live someone else’s life, so I spend most of my time reading books and playing video games and trying not to be in my own head, and sleeping as much as I can,” kind of a thing.

And any time I sit down to write anything, my brain immediately provides the feedback of, “What a steaming pile of horseshit. Delete it.”

I don’t know if you can imagine what that’s like, trying to A) keep a blog and B) be a writer, but it’s… kind of the most horrendous thing ever.

The good news is that I start college on August 29. I’m doing Graphic Design HND again, so I’m hoping that by forcing myself out of my comfort zone (my bedroom) then maybe I’ll talk to people (highly unlikely, but we’ll see) and maybe stop hiding inside myself so much.

I’m sorry for leaving it so long, without an explanation. How does one explain and apologise for, “I’m a piece of human garbage?” without sounding like… well. A piece of human garbage?

*shrug*

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4 thoughts on “Explanation/Apology/Continued Absence”

    1. Ugh, first-hand knowledge is the worst. Doing my best, as far as possible. Haven’t taken to alcohol or self-harm again, so I figure I’m doing better than I was the last time my depression hit me this hard (last year of college in 2005/2006). This time, I’ve got my family, so I know they won’t *let* me get to that stage, either.

      Thanks for commenting, too. <3 Very much appreciated.

  1. Hi Tracy, I can’t imagine how you are feeling and I am sending you lots of love and strength. I have (and continue) to battle anxiety and obesity, most recently having a melt down requiring time off work. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve been reading your blog for at least 5 years now and it was me who asked you recently on Instagram If you’d be updating again (Rachel from RachyDonna, I share the account with a friend Donna). I hope I didn’t make you feel awful by asking so forthright, I check in every few days to see if you’ve updated because you are just such a cool writer.
    I don’t think any of your followers would think any of your blogs are shit, we love reading because you are so honest and relatable.
    Take care xoxo

  2. Hi Tracy … I’m Lesley … Ive been reading your blog a while now and did miss you. You are very honest and, i’m sure, reflect the thoughts of many of us. Yes, mental health services are rubbish everywhere it seems. You seem to be doing ok in your own way atm. Just keep keeping on and I hope you made it to college. I know it’s probably a trite thing to say to you … but do you have a pet?? while I have humans who rely on me (I’m 56 years old) i get great motivation from our rescue bearded dragon and guinea pig. Also my husband who has severe mental health conditions interacts with them. You are not shit … very far from it. Love and best wishes to you xx

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