babble, cravings, exercise, food, pcos, randomosity, weight gain

In which Tracy comes full cycle

Tomorrow is Hogmanay. (In non-Scots speak: New Year’s Eve.)

This time last year, I was in the exact same place as I am this year, except this year I weigh a lot lot more, so I feel that my use of the phrase “mean cycle” is justified.

So, this is what keeps on happening to me: I did really well in the first two or three weeks of Weight Watchers. Then my weight loss slowed to roughly 1lb loss a week, and I know that a loss is a good thing, no matter how small, but at my size, I should easily be losing 4lb or 5lbs a week, and I don’t. It happens maybe once, and then I go right down.

When I was actually at Weight Watchers in Ireland, there were girls there who weighed roughly 1/3 of what I weighed, and they were still losing 3 and 4lbs a week, and I’m not entirely sure what they were doing that I wasn’t.

I figure that it’s got to do with the PCOS. PCOS is one of those annoying double-edged sword things where it makes it easy to gain weight and makes it really fucking DIFFICULT to lose weight. Exercise and a good diet (and I actually have a book named The PCOS Diet Book, which I should probably get around to actually reading, since I’ve owned it for about 2 years already.

The interesting thing about PCOS, which is mentioned in the Wiki article, is that not all women with PCOS have ovarian cysts, and not all women with ovarian cysts have PCOS. I wonder if I’m one of those women, but anyway.

As I said, it makes it difficult to lose weight, and pretty much anybody who’s ever spoken to me about weight loss – my doctor, my endocrinologist, my psychiatrist – have all told me the same thing, to the point that I told my doctor exactly what a nutritionist would have told me:

5 portions of fruit and veg a day; cut down on fat, especially saturated fats; eat less calories, exercise more so that you’re burning more calories than you’re taking in, overall.

I know how to lose weight. It’s such an easy thing to do, really, when you think about it, but when you’re in this, as I’ve called it, mean cycle, then.

Well.

This is what I’m hopefully going to deal with when I go to therapy.

When I’m in this mean cycle, it sort of goes:

1. Oh my god you’re such a fat fuck, you should probably exercise and go on a diet, because you’re absolutely fucking disgusting.

2. I try to exercise and diet – Weight Watcher’s, South Beach, Slim•Fast, whatever – but exercise is really fucking hard when you weigh more than 400lbs, and diet gets boring after a while, because it’s all self-deprivation, and I don’t do self-deprivation too well.

3. Oh my god you’re such a fat fuck, nobody’s ever going to love you anyway because you’re absolutely fucking disgusting, you might as well just eat 3 packs of crisps and a whole tub of ice cream and order take-away, because what the fuck is the point?

Then a month or a week or a year or whatever after 3. has come and is still happening, 1. will kick in.

And, in case you’re wondering, #1 is no better than #3. It’s really not. It’s as full of self-loathing – you’re absolutely fucking disgusting – as #3.

So I’m hoping that I get a referral to see a therapist soon, because I think that the self-loathing thing is a huge thing for me.

I shouldn’t hate myself that much. Nobody should hate themselves that much.

Never mind that the PCOS makes it so much fucking harder to lose weight. Oy.

 

 

 

 

 

And in case anybody’s wondering, yes, this does mean that the diet “before Christmas” didn’t quite work out. I actually binged on Slim•Fast treats, and clementines and apples.

You can all join me in a collective face-palming session now, if you wish.

*FACEPALM*

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4 thoughts on “In which Tracy comes full cycle”

  1. I know this is an old post but I wish you could read your entire blog Tracy. I think you might be able to see some patterns which you may decide need to be addressed before you can maintain a weight loos. One of the things that screams out to me from your blog is that you are abusing yourself with food AND with dieting. You have taken the baton your abuser dropped, picked it up and you're still holding it and running with it. Dieting the way you've been doing it (losing/gaining) is a much harsher form of self-abuse even than comfort/over-eating. It's absolutely brutal. I can see that so clearly with the benefit of hindsight and distance. I wish you could see it too.

    You deserve to be treated better. You deserve kindness. You deserve a break.

    1. Do you know, I’ve spoken with psychiatrists before, and I’m not only aware of the fact that I picked up where my abuser left off, but I did it intentionally?

      It started off like this: I started eating as a way to try to be disgusting so maybe he’d stop abusing me. When we stopped visiting with him, I kept on eating so that it’d never happen again. Then it got to the point where I just didn’t know what the hell I was doing? I was just eating for the sake of eating, and now it’s ruined my body. I keep talking about wanting a chance to be loved, but most days I just feel disgusting.

      (Except for certain parts. I know my calves are still massive, but I also think they’re beautiful; they’re mostly muscle. They’re toned and beautiful, except for that horrendous bit where I’ve got cellulitis. Urgh. Always something to ruin my happy.)

      So now, it’s like… I’m trying to love myself. I’m trying to treat myself better with the exercise, but I still can’t get the food under control. If I could get the food under control, everything would be perfect.

  2. So, so sad that you feel disgusting. It's an indication of the value, justified or not, that society places on how we look to the exclusion of other things – for instance, the fact that you started and contunued with, a long-term plan to completely alter your appearance and improve your health! The fact that you overcame fear and pain to go to and keep going to exercise classes. That you are taking full responsibility for your health and sticking with speaks much louder, to me, than the shape of your body. And yet your overriding feeling about yourself is one of diasgust.

    Pretty f***ed up, eh? I hear you, though. I do the same.

    I really do believe that, once you get the weight off, because you have done so much foundation work on your musculature and cardio fitness, and I know you'll keep doing that – you will be ALLOWED to eat a lot more calories per day and perhaps that will suffice for you.

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