So, y’all might have noticed that I’ve been missing for a while? Considering that my last actual post was in April, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t noticed.
I apologise about not explaining why I’ve been MIA since then, and why I’ll be MIA for… maybe a while? Hopefully not too much longer.
I’ve mentioned plenty of times before about my mental health, and how terrible it is. How many different pills I’ve tried and the varying degrees of lack-of-success I’ve had taking them.
Since last year when my friend/sort-of-boyfriend Zero died, my brain has been a black hole of depression, guilt and grief. I tried to get a referral to my therapist, but the NHS’s mental health services is beyond fucked-up right now, and I was referred to Beating The Blues, which deals with depression and anxiety, and not suicidal tendencies caused by grief.
Thanks, NHS South Lanarkshire.
I’ve been unmedicated for more than a year for my mental health disorders, because they either cause weight gain, or weight gain and rapid cycling, or weight gain and manic episodes, or weight gain and sexual dysfunction.
Trust me: I don’t need any of these things.
Unfortunately, what that means is:
My brain is a black hole right now. My depression is pretty bad. Not quite I’d-be-happy-to-lie-in-bed-all-day-and-not-move pretty bad, because the amount of pain I’d be in would directly increase the depression, so I at least get out of bed.
More like, “I’m happier pretending to live someone else’s life, so I spend most of my time reading books and playing video games and trying not to be in my own head, and sleeping as much as I can,” kind of a thing.
And any time I sit down to write anything, my brain immediately provides the feedback of, “What a steaming pile of horseshit. Delete it.”
I don’t know if you can imagine what that’s like, trying to A) keep a blog and B) be a writer, but it’s… kind of the most horrendous thing ever.
The good news is that I start college on August 29. I’m doing Graphic Design HND again, so I’m hoping that by forcing myself out of my comfort zone (my bedroom) then maybe I’ll talk to people (highly unlikely, but we’ll see) and maybe stop hiding inside myself so much.
I’m sorry for leaving it so long, without an explanation. How does one explain and apologise for, “I’m a piece of human garbage?” without sounding like… well. A piece of human garbage?