weigh-in, Zero Excuses

Monthly Measurements: July 2015

1st July 2015

FATGIRLslim | The Measure Of A (Wo)Man

  • Neck: 16″
  • Upper arm R: 20″ (-1″)
  • Upper arm L: 20″ (-0.5″)
  • Wrist R: 7.25″
  • Wrist L: 7.25″
  • Bust: 64 (+2.5”)
  • Bra band: 52” (-3”)
  • Waist: 57” (-1”)
  • Hips: 70″
  • Upper thigh R: 35″ (+1.5”)
  • Upper thigh L: 35″ (+1″)
  • Calf R: 20″
  • Calf L: 21.5″
  • Ankle R: 11″
  • Ankle L: 13″ (-0.5″)

I think I’ll just leave this at, “Grief does not agree with me, obviously.”

babble, clothes, photos, story of my life, weight watchers

In Which I’m Trying To Get Things Back On Track

28th June 2015

I think we’re all really aware of the fact that it’s pretty easy for me to let things get out of hand. It’s the problem with having an addictive personality – you can use it as an excuse too easily. I don’t want to use it as an excuse for anything, not really, but sometimes it just happens, and then it becomes a reason, which is even worse.

You’d think that it’d be a good thing, being of the kind of mind that can become addicted to something easily but when you consider that this includes things like food and sex and video games and alcohol and reading stupid articles on Buzzfeed, or scrolling on tumblr every day, then you kind of get the impression that an addictive personality’s more harmful than good.

And it really is. It’s only good when you apply it to good things.

I’m trying my hardest to overcome anything that seems like my addictive personality’s having a hand in it. If I find myself sitting doing anything for more than a few hours at a time, I do something else – I’ve actually been getting up from Final Fantasy XIV lately, to go downstairs and eat my food instead of eating it while playing, or going downstairs to crochet for a while to break up hours of play. When Zero was alive, I’d play all day, because he and Apple’d be on first thing in [my] morning, then Zero would work during my afternoon and evening – Apple would sleep, because he work(ed) graveyard shifts – during which time the rest of my friends would be on. Bob would get home at 9pm-ish, I’d stay on until I got tired. Lather, rinse, repeat. Classwork got done at weekends, or I’d force myself to do it in an hour or two here and there during the week. Note the words, “force myself”. That’s how I know there was an addiction working out there.

So now I’m trying to take time out, and sit downstairs and work on stuff. I’m crocheting myself a winter and summer dress in the same basic pattern, but with edits.

FATGIRLslim | In Which I'm Trying To Get Things Back On Track
It’ll eventually be just below knee-length, and have cap sleeves. The summer version will be done in less chunky yarn, a less open pattern, and will be the same length: just below knee-length. The summer version’s being done in dusky pink.

Things like that also help with cravings. It keeps my mind off food, especially because it keeps my hands busy.

Another way I’m trying to get myself back on track?

I ordered a copy of the Weight Watchers 2015 ProPoints book, the one that I never actually managed to get from meetings last year. I’m gonna see if counting ProPoints while doing low carb or high carb or 5:2 or any of those things works, because I know that straight-up ProPoints didn’t work. But I know that South Beach and things like that work for me. Ketosis works for my body. So it’ll be interesting to see how/if it works with a Weight Watchers angle. If it doesn’t work, then it’ll be easy enough to just relist it – they’re selling like hotcakes, anyway.

But I’m at that point again where I’m thinking of chopping off limbs to reduce overall weight.

Only problem is, I can’t do much exercise or stuff minus a limb.

And it’d have to be a leg. I can’t operate a PS4 controller or a keyboard very well with only one arm…

babble, bicycle, body talk, food, mental health, story of my life

In Which My Life Is On Pause

23rd June 2015

It’s been just over two weeks since Zero died, but it feels like a lifetime. I didn’t realise that grief did this to you; I didn’t realise that it made you feel like you were walking through a fog, like your feet are sticking in quicksand, and you’re getting sucked down a little more with every step you take.

I got my tattoo done last week (sorry, Ariane, your comment came a little late – I’m writing this after reading your comment this morning, but before replying to it) and it’s a wonderful reminder of him. I’ll eventually get it turned into a sleeve, with that memorial surrounded by things that make me happy. Things from the video games we had in common. Lyrics from the song he said was his theme song. The quotes from Kingdom Hearts we talked about. Colours. Lots of colours.

But right now, it’s quicksand. And a huge pause button hovering around my life.

I binged at the weekend. It wasn’t even anything to do with grief, not really. Annoyingly, it was more to do with lack of bowel movements (argh, talking about poop in public, what?!) and the easiest way for me to… well, to “go”, is to eat a lot of rubbish. It’s horrendous. It makes my stomach hurt, makes my gut rumble for two days, but I’m guaranteed to go by the end of it.

I counted what I ate, and it came out at 5,000kcal. Enough fat content for four days, and enough sugar for six.

My diet’s not been the best lately, anyway. I mean, I’ve not been eating bad foods or anything, it’s just been… blah. Lacking in imagination and any kind of actual depth. I’m eating about 2,000kcal per day, and I’m either gaining or losing weight depending on the time of the month, I think. I’ve got a bike sitting outside, and I’ve got a pair of quad skates, and I’ve got a pair of legs, and I need to start using them all (but not all at once; I’m fairly sure I can’t ride a bike all that well in quad skates) but I’m scared stiff about learning to ride a bike again, and oh god, what if I can’t balance on the skates and what if my back hurts while I’m skating and oh GOD.

This is what I want to be doing:

FATGIRLslim | In Which My Life Is On Pause

© Photographer: Warrengoldswain | Agency: Dreamstime.com

Hat on, backpack on, music blasting my brain out, and get my face into the sun.

So why don’t I?

Why would I rather mope around at home, talking to my dead friend in the dark at night (yes, I do talk to Zero when I can’t sleep, shush), and my still-very-much-alive-friends, than go out and get some Vitamin D and endorphins, get some exercise and fresh air and feel better about myself?

It’s really fucking annoying, constantly being down on me. I want to be happy, and I want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, but instead, I’m just… stuck.

Again.

I’m wondering if it’s time to go back to therapy.

Or maybe it’s just time to hit the “play” button on that music I was thinking about.

babble, body talk, mental health, story of my life, swimming, Zero Excuses

In Which I Haven’t Gone Off The Deep End

16th June 2015

FATGIRLslim | In Which I Haven't Gone Off The Deep End
My friend Zero and I on a Chocobo in Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn. I honestly thought his death would push me off the wagon, into the deep end, under the bus; whichever the correct metaphor is.

I’ve never had to deal with grief like this before.

I’ve never had a friend die. The closest I ever remember feeling to this is when my uncle died a week before my 18th birthday… and was subsequently buried on my 18th birthday. I didn’t/couldn’t attend the funeral, because we were A) living in Ireland at the time, and B) he is/was married to my Mum’s little sister, my Aunty Helen, which meant that all of my Mum’s family would be there, and we Don’t Talk To Them (except Helen and her children) because of that whole thing where my sister(s?) and I were abused for years and when we brought it up and took it to the police, he admitted it, got away with it, and they all turned their backs on us.

I wasn’t strong enough to face him, or them, at the time.

But it didn’t feel like this, for some reason. Even although he was family, we didn’t see them all the time. He was a wonderful man – one of the good ones – but we saw them once a month, maybe twice. Family, but distant.

My friend Zero, I’d only known closely since the start of last month. I’ve been talking to him since maybe January or February. But that’s been every day, or every other day. For the past month, it had been every day for hours at a time – with three days’ exception, where he went to Rock On The Range, and was home too late, and all I got to say was, “How was the concert today? All right, good, I’m going to bed.” Our schedules met up so I’d get to talk to him all morning until he went to work, then maybe an hour before I went to bed. Sometimes, if I could manage, I’d stay up and talk to him – and everyone else – until the wee hours of the morning until it was time for all of them to go to sleep, and I’d have already crawled into my bed, with Skype on my phone and my headphones in my ears.

His death hit me hard. To say he was more than a friend is… complicated. I’m not going into details, but even just saying it like that will probably give the game away a little. I know that my sexuality comes up a lot, and the easiest label – and I fucking hate labels about my sexuality – is queer, but technically, I don’t care what a person’s body is. I love the heart, soul, and mind of a person. I know there’s a term for that, but that’s confusing and sometimes wrong. I love people. I’d been falling in love with him, and didn’t realise it until he died.

So it hit me pretty hard.

I could have gone off the deep end… and I’m pretty sure that we all know what it’s like when I go off the deep end. Between alcohol, food, pills, scalpels and exercise, or a combination of all of the above, I could have easily ended up in the afterlife alongside him.

But I didn’t.

Zero and I had a conversation once, and he said that he didn’t like people. He tolerated them. He had a very short list of people that he did like, and my group of friends were amongst the people that he liked… myself included. With exceptions. Like when I was shitfaced drunk. Or like when I constantly put myself down. He said that he didn’t like the fact that I talked myself down – that he knew I wanted to be better, so why the fuck didn’t I just be better?

I said it on Twitter, a day or so after he died, that I was going to rejoin the gym, but I haven’t done it yet. I’ve made plans to get a tattoo in his memory, and it’ll need time to heal. I won’t be able to swim while it’s healing, and I don’t want to be exercising and accidentally scratching it while it’s healing, so I’m going to wait until it’s done to rejoin. It’s also giving me time to actually grieve.

Then maybe I will go off the deep end.

Or rather, into the deep end.

Get that waterproof MP3 player, and learn to dive or something. Make myself better.

Stop calling myself disgusting, and ugly, and fat.

I am none of those things.

I have fat. I can do something to change that.

I am beautiful – and I hesitated typing that down, because it sounds so fucking conceited, but I don’t mean I’m gorgeous to look at. I mean, I have a good soul. I try to put others before myself, when I can. (And maybe that’s a problem? Maybe I should try to put myself first, more often.)

I am not disgusting – I am goddamn lovable and adorable. I can be charming, and flirty and fun. I love life, and I can be existential and smart and witty. I just need to stop being so down on myself. Because I am a good person.

I just hope that Zero knew that about himself, too. You were a good person, Paul Davidson. A really fucking good person.

And I miss you, you bastard. ♥

Exante Diet, food, review, VLCD

[Product Review] NEW PRODUCTS from The Exante Diet!

11th June 2015

I’ve been lucky enough to test some of the new products recently released by The Exante Diet – and I’m glad I have! I want to nom on one or two of them for the rest of my life, I think.

The Cherry And Almond Bar

FATGIRLslim | The Exante Diet  Cherry & Almond Bar

When I was told, “You can try out a cherry-and-almond-flavour bar,” my first instinct was, “OOOOH CHERRY!” because I am a sucker for anything cherry flavoured. I have a thing for cherries. They’re in my top 3 fruits, and one of my top 5 flavours-for-things (although, strangely, I prefer artificial cherry flavour over actual cherry flavour… oops).

The Cherry and Almond Bar is almost like sitting down and eating a bar of exceptionally soft-and-squishy marzipan, without the guilt… and getting this gorgeously sweet hint of cherry flavour while you do it. I’ve never really tasted anything like it before. It’s one of those things where you eat it and you’re immediately like, “10/10 would eat again.”

It’s not overly sweet; it’s not overly almondy; it’s not overly cherry-ish. It’s just smooth, and delicious, and I definitely, definitely, would recommend it.

★★★★★/★★★★★ – amazing!

Crunchy Vanilla Cereal

FATGIRLslim | The Exante Diet Vanilla Crunch Cereal

The next up on the list was the Crunchy Vanilla Cereal, which was perfect for me but may, sadly, not be to everyone’s tastes. It’s a typical breakfast cereal, in that it has breakfast cereal flakes in a bath of milk. The milk is, however, vanilla-flavoured, and is of the protein-powder sort of vanilla flavour… which I happen to adore.

The cereal stays crunchy for ages, which is great, because I have a terrible tendency to leave mine sitting while I’m doing something else, only to come back to eat it fifteen minutes later to find soggy flakes and no milk, but not with this stuff. Crunchy flakes and heavenly vanilla milk! My kind of cereal.

★★★★☆/★★★★★ – I adored it, but I’m worried that the vanilla flavour might be too strong for some.

Apple Crumble and Custard Dessert

FATGIRLslim | The Exante Diet Apple Crumble And Custard

Unfortunately, I was really let down by the Apple Crumble & Custard Dessert (included in the box of 50 mixed desserts) (AND the Tiramisu, but I’ll move onto that next), because it didn’t taste much like an apple crumble with custard. It had a lovely texture, and nice, crunchy bits in it, but it tasted… lacking. It had a flavour sort of like the boiled sweets that are supposed to be apple crumble with custard flavour, but only very, very slightly. To say I’m disappointed is putting it mildly.

Having said that, I’ll re-state the fact that the texture is lovely, and the fact that there’s the smooth creaminess with the crunch is wonderful, and makes up a little for the overall lack of flavour.

★☆☆☆☆/★★★★★ – woefully lacking in flavour, but with a lovely texture.

Tiramisu Dessert

FATGIRLslim | The Exante Diet Tiramisu

The Tiramisu Dessert (pack of 7, save 10%) wasn’t quite as disappointing as the Apple Crumble and Custard Dessert – it had quite a bit more flavour, and came out almost like a mousse (not quite as stiff, though!), which was better. It didn’t taste much like a tiramisu, but it was coffee-ish, and there was a hint of cocoa, which was lovely. It’d definitely do if you needed something to kill a sweet tooth.

★★★☆☆/★★★★★ – not exactly what you’d expect, but good for those who need something for their sweet tooth!

Overall

I’m mostly pleased with the new products, as you might be able to tell! I’ve been almost craving one of those cherry and almond bars again since eating it – it’s that good. I’d definitely recommend them.

Availability

Obviously, all of these products and more are available at Exantediet.com – and right now you can get 40% off boxes of 50 products, using the code “DECLINE” at the checkout. Starting from 9am, the discount rate will decline on the hour, every hour, so order early to get the biggest discount!