babble, body talk, college, mental health, story of my life

In Which I’ve Got The Dreaded Lurgy

27th November 2016

I can’t believe it’s the end of November already. Dad went up the loft today to bring down… dun dun dun… THE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS. We probably won’t put them up until NEXT weekend or so, or whenever Mum gets her strength back, but since we already have gifts to wrap, we needed the wrapping paper down anyway, so. He had to go up to get that down; there was no point in him not bringing down the tree etcetera.

Re: Mum getting her strength back? Yeah. Oops, my bad. I’ve had a cold/flu/viral infection thing since last weekend-ish, and I’ve managed to pass it onto her. It hit me pretty hard on Tuesday night, just as I was out in Glasgow with friends for the IGN/Odeon Premiere event for Final Fantasy XV: went out, feeling a wee bit sore throat-y and had a bit of a headache. In Nando’s for food and suddenly went downhill. Like, one of my ears blocked up and I got a migraine. The Dreaded Lurgy.

Image from public domain

I’ve still got it. Now, both my ears are blocked. And I got an infected tear duct. And my throat’s not sore anymore, and my nose is rarely blocked, but I got lucky, in that this week is Remediation Week at college, and I’ve no remediation to do, so I didn’t actually have to go in at all. I’ve been able to stay at home, mostly – I went out on Tuesday night and crashed on my friend’s couch overnight (YES I MADE A FRIEND! WONDERS WILL NEVER CEASE!) and then flopped home feeling terrible the next day. Went out last night with my sister to see Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them at the cinema – kind of wonderful until [spoiler actor and spoiler character] shows up. Newt Scamander is all of us, I swear.

College: The Seconding

Tomorrow is the first day of Unit 2 in college, which means that I’ve successfully managed to survive an entire unit without slitting my wrists, jumping out of the 8th floor, stepping into traffic, eating myself into my grave, or drinking myself to death. I’m going to count that as a win, and just ignore the fact that I feel like death warmed up anyway. I’ll need to dose myself with painkillers and paracetamol in the morning, stop in at Boots on the way through the station to buy a cough bottle so I don’t spray my germs over the entire class (oh god, there are going to be people in the class I’m not normally in a class with because they mixed the classes up kill me now), hope that I don’t pass out at any point, and fingers crossed that I make it through the day.

On the plus side, death would be a welcome reprieve from The Dreaded Lurgy, let me tell you. I have no idea what cold or flu or virus this is that I’ve got, but it’s horrendous. A plague on whoever gave it to me.

babble, video blog

This Is Not The Huge Comeback Post You Were Looking For

14th October 2016

The good news is that I actually made a post! However, this is probably not the huge comeback post you were looking for, or expecting. It is a post, though, which is a step in the right direction.

TL;DR: depression sucks. College is going well, despite my desire to occasionally jump out of the 8th floor window with either A) boredom or B) how much I hate my work or C) That Other Thing I Only Discuss With My Mother And My BFF.

But yeah.

I’ll hopefully get back into the swing of this whole blogging thing soon. It won’t be like when I went to college last time, where I just disappeared for two years, gained 6 stones, and became an alcoholic.

I’m doing okay. And that’s the best I can say right now.

mental health

Explanation/Apology/Continued Absence

19th August 2016

So, y’all might have noticed that I’ve been missing for a while? Considering that my last actual post was in April, I’d be surprised if you hadn’t noticed.

I apologise about not explaining why I’ve been MIA since then, and why I’ll be MIA for… maybe a while? Hopefully not too much longer.

I’ve mentioned plenty of times before about my mental health, and how terrible it is. How many different pills I’ve tried and the varying degrees of lack-of-success I’ve had taking them.

Since last year when my friend/sort-of-boyfriend Zero died, my brain has been a black hole of depression, guilt and grief. I tried to get a referral to my therapist, but the NHS’s mental health services is beyond fucked-up right now, and I was referred to Beating The Blues, which deals with depression and anxiety, and not suicidal tendencies caused by grief.

Thanks, NHS South Lanarkshire.

I’ve been unmedicated for more than a year for my mental health disorders, because they either cause weight gain, or weight gain and rapid cycling, or weight gain and manic episodes, or weight gain and sexual dysfunction.

Trust me: I don’t need any of these things.

Unfortunately, what that means is:

My brain is a black hole right now. My depression is pretty bad. Not quite I’d-be-happy-to-lie-in-bed-all-day-and-not-move pretty bad, because the amount of pain I’d be in would directly increase the depression, so I at least get out of bed.

More like, “I’m happier pretending to live someone else’s life, so I spend most of my time reading books and playing video games and trying not to be in my own head, and sleeping as much as I can,” kind of a thing.

And any time I sit down to write anything, my brain immediately provides the feedback of, “What a steaming pile of horseshit. Delete it.”

I don’t know if you can imagine what that’s like, trying to A) keep a blog and B) be a writer, but it’s… kind of the most horrendous thing ever.

The good news is that I start college on August 29. I’m doing Graphic Design HND again, so I’m hoping that by forcing myself out of my comfort zone (my bedroom) then maybe I’ll talk to people (highly unlikely, but we’ll see) and maybe stop hiding inside myself so much.

I’m sorry for leaving it so long, without an explanation. How does one explain and apologise for, “I’m a piece of human garbage?” without sounding like… well. A piece of human garbage?

*shrug*

exercise, mental health, photos, story of my life, walking

In Which I Finally Meet My Friend James

10th April 2016

On Tuesday, I had a good week at Weight Watchers, but that wasn’t the best thing about the day.

The best thing about the day was meeting a man I’ve known since 2001, for the first time.

James and I at M&Ds on April 5, 2016

Apparently, he’d had this trip planned for a year, and not let on a jot, the asshole. 🙂 So when he started Whatsapp’ing me telling me that his friend Simon was up in Scotland, and sent me a photo of my hometown of Greenock (which I recognised right away because it was a photo of the Morrison’s that I worked at while I was in college), I was like, “WHAT DOES HE THINK OF WEMYSS BAY WHAT DOES HE THINK OF GREENOCK DOES HE LIKE THE VIEW?!” because I’m nothing if not exceptionally proud of where I’m from, and I think it’s one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen in my life.

And then he started sending me photos of Simon sitting on the couch, and hinting that Simon wasn’t the only one up in Scotland, I STARTED FREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT.

BECAUSE JAMES WAS IN SCOTLAND.

:DDDDD

He and Simon came up to Hamilton; I fed and watered them, and we headed down to M&Ds, which is the theme park down in Motherwell, at Strathclyde Country Park.

Trip to M&Ds and Crazy Golf

The Ferris Wheel at M&Ds

We wandered around M&Ds for a while; I told them about the rides that used to be there, including the one that I went on in high school that was two separate cages, spun you around and then stopped upside down at the top of the revolution and left you there for a minute or so.

They got rid of it, though, and replaced it with something tamer. 🙁 Boo.

But we ended up just playing a round of crazy golf, which is pirate themed, and hilarious – and since it’s been a little wet lately, it was also slightly dirty, and a little wet in places.

Skull and Crossbones at the Crazy Golf at M&Ds

Simon and James at M&Ds

But hilarious. James actually managed to get an incredible hole-in-one, which was unexpected, and I wish I’d gotten it on film, but it was just. YAY, excellent.

We didn’t even count our scores, although did insist on starting to count from a random number when we took forever to get a ball in the hole – “Thirty-one! Thirty-two!” etc. I’m pretty sure we might have hit the thirties in total, though.

James, Simon and I at M&Ds

Strathclyde Loch and GIANT MIDGIES OF DOOM

Then we went and walked around Strathclyde Loch a little, and got eaten by GIANT MIDGIES, I’m not even kidding there were giant swarms of the buggers and I don’t know what they were. Midges are actually tiny, and these things were effing huge. Like, I’m pretty sure they were mosquito-sized, except you don’t get mosquitoes here.

But there were clouds and clouds and CLOUDS of them. We were literally waving our hands at the air, as we went through them. It was HORRENDOUS. Horrid little things.

But despite the Giant Bugs Of Doom, it was one of the best days I’ve had in a long, long time, because I got to spend time with friends, and I finally got to meet James. I’ve known James since I was 18 years old. And this is the first time either of us has actually managed to get to see the other.

It was comfortable, and warm, and happy, and I didn’t ever feel anxious, which was nice.

If only I could have more days like this, my life would feel… good. Normal.

babble, smartpoints, weigh-in, weight loss, weight watchers

The Weight Watchers Weekly Weigh-In: April 5, 2016

5th April 2016
ozeri
-3lbs
389lbs
-5lbs since December 8, 2015

Last week, I was busy looking after The Bag Inspector, a.k.a my sister’s cat Odin, so couldn’t make it to my Weight Watchers meeting for weigh-in.

But to be honest, if you had this gorgeous wee man purring all over you, would you want to leave him alone either?

Odin, The Bag Inspector

Odin, The Bag Inspector

And for some reason, this week, I totally forgot to actually update on Tuesday night. Hence the backdated entry.

I mean, Tuesday was a momentous day anyway. But that’s for a different entry… that I apparently also forgot to actually write, despite having uploaded the vlog for it. Sigh.

But this week was pretty decent. Don’t know what happened that I lost 3lbs, because I didn’t do anything different than usual. Tracked my food – didn’t eat anything unusual or different. Only went swimming once.

So why lose 3lbs this week when other weeks I’m gaining weight like crazy?

I don’t even know. It’s annoying things like that, I can’t explain. And probably can’t duplicate, either. For great woe.