babble, body talk, mental health, sciatica, story of my life

In Which I’m Really Worried About My Weight

28th February 2015

April 2010 – 408lbs

I weighed myself this morning.

The scales said 399.8lbs.

My heart said: “You knew it before you stepped on the scales.”

I’ve been getting winded just by walking up the stairs in the house. There are thirteen stairs in our house. I’ve been getting really, really worried about things like walking short distances. My bras are getting far too tight on me – one of them (the one that’s an F cup from when I got down to that amazing 450lbs, instead of my usual G cups), I’m actually spilling out of the sides – and when I tried to close my purple coat, it was really, really tight on me and it belted up underneath my boobs, and I just.

I’m really really worried about my weight.

I know that I said that I was thinking about doing the 5:2 Diet, and I never got around to doing it, because it, at the time, took too much thinking, and considering Mum does most of my cooking because I’m too effing fat to stand up for long enough to cook for myself without my back breaking in half it’s like… urgh. Too much annoyance.

What I have been doing, instead, is Mindful Eating. I’ve been paying attention to my body. I’ve only been eating when I’m hungry. I’ve been eating until I’m full, and I’ve only been eating until I’m full (with one or two exceptions when I’ve had a binge, but one or two binges in six months is a huge thing for me) and there has been very little in the way of snacking.

I’ve not been dieting. I’ve been eating what I want. And for the most part, my main meals are healthy because it’s Mum doing the cooking, and even when it’s an, “I can’t be bothered cooking,” day, what we throw in the oven isn’t generally that bad. A chicken breast thing, or a fish thing, or something. Chips or a baked potato, or something. Sweetcorn or not. Sometimes it’s just tortellini from ASDA with butter, salt, pepper and a dash of this great stuff I need to review, because it’s an amazing alternative to pasta sauces, and so low in calories and CRAP that I can’t believe it’s real.

I’ve been eating. That’s the important thing here, I think. I’ve been taking care of my body by feeding it. I’ve been eating fruit and I’ve not been starving it, and I’m…

To be honest, I’m completely flummoxed.

And worried.

If dieting/Weight Watchers doesn’t work, and feeding my body what it wants doesn’t work… what the hell does? I know that South Beach works, and I know that Paleo works, but I don’t, to be perfectly honest, want to spend my life not eating pastry and bread and the like.

But is it possible to do that? To have a Paleo/low carb lifestyle where you can make stuff like that? Because to be perfectly honest, worried isn’t really the word.

I’m fucking terrified.

I’m back up toeing the 400lbs line. I’m looking at that line and a good hearty meal could see me sitting over the other side of it (and tonight’s probably will, especially as our dessert includes a really good-looking ASDA’s hand-decorated Millionaire’s shortcake cheesecake…) and I really don’t want to be back there.

To be honest, I never wanted to ever get back past 380lbs, but I gave up on myself and let it happen, because hell, I’m not fucking worth it, am I? (Dear past, present and future self: yes. Yes, you’re worth it. I’m going to kick you in the vagina if you don’t start loving yourself. Love, yourself.)

But I’m here now, and I’ve really, really got to do something about it, because the whole Mindful Eating thing obviously didn’t work. Paying attention to my body and my food and all obviously didn’t work. So I’ve got to change it up, again.

Because I got out of bed today (late – I stayed up way later than usual last night, talking to old, old friends from way back from my college days to present day. We’ve never stopped being friends; we just stopped talking. Just very little actual in the way of communications.) and I was fine. No sign of any disruption to my back. I felt fine. Went to the bathroom and did my business. It’s That Time Of The Month, and I didn’t even have any bad cramps. Came back to my room, sat down at my desk to take my pills, and when I stood up from my chair to head downstairs, my back seized up, and I thought I was going to fall over/backwards/back onto the bed. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stand up.

It’s been a long, long time now since I’ve had a full-on Back Attack, but this felt like one. This felt like how it felt when I go to sit up from the bed and I can’t. I had to sit back down and take some Methocarbamol before coaxing myself out of the chair using the desk (thankfully, my desk is made of tempered glass, and can take up to about 150kg. I figure that if I lean on the ends that I won’t break it.) as a means to get up, and I was all right-ish.

I just couldn’t lean forward. Or back.

Had to stay standing straight up.

Had to put a heat pad on my lower back, right where the jam has squidged out the donut in my back. (Translation: right where the nerves are the sorest because of the prolapsed disc.)

I’m still in pain.

And I think I can guess why.


“I weighed myself this morning.

The scales said 399.8lbs.

My heart said: ‘You knew it before you stepped on the scales.'”

babble, food, holiday, mental health, story of my life

In Which Tracy Has Itchy Feet

22nd February 2015

FATGIRLslim | Death To The Stock Photo Out Of The Expected Beach Photo: In Which Tracy Has Itchy Feet.
Photo from Death To The Stock Photo

I have itchy feet. The title may have told you that much.

My last holiday was in 2009, when I went to Florida to visit my BFF Cola. Right before we moved home.

I haven’t left Scotland since, and I feel like I’m going mad, being stuck here.

I always say that I blame my parents for it – in the best of ways. We went on holiday, pretty much every year, down to Whitley Bay or Newcastle. I could imitate the Geordie accent wonderfully, through trips down there, and constantly watching Byker Grove. It wasn’t Spain or Turkey or Greece or wherever my friends went, but I didn’t care (at the time; I’d have loved to have gone abroad as a kid at least once, now that I’m an adult!) because I loved the Newcastle area where we visited.

And Blackpool. We used to have family who lived in Blackpool. My Uncle worked in one of the biscuit factories, and he’d bring home packs and packs of biscuits. To this day, a really good Jaffa Cake (important question time!: cake or biscuit?!) will bring back memories of Blackpool.

But right now, I’ve got the itchiest feet and all I want is to run away. I want to be lying somewhere nice and hot right now. Poolside. Or sitting in the far North, bundled up in an insane amount of clothing, watching the Northern Lights or just looking in awe at the fjords or something.

What does this have to do with my health, mental health or weight, you ask?

It means that I’m sliding out of a manic episode and into a depressive one. I had a binge episode during the week – not the worst I’ve ever done, maybe about 2,500 calories all in one go, if even that – and it was my first one in months. And now I can feel my mood slipping away. I don’t want to get out of bed and I don’t want to wake up and all I want to do is sleep.

If I could go away somewhere, it might help. If I could get over to Florida to see my BFF, I know it certainly would. Even if the depressive episode clung on like a bad smell, I’d still be happier because I’d be with her. If I was in a country where I had places to go and view history, I’d be out every day, doing stuff, and I’d force myself to go because I wouldn’t dare pay all that money for a holiday and then stay in the hotel (without someone giving me a better reason than “depressive episode”).

But staying at home? That means fighting with myself over not just demolishing everything that’s in the house, of course. And trying to not sleep through the morning, afternoon, and evening.

Just give me a white sandy beach, warm water, and a good book; a big parasol, prescription sunglasses, a bikini that fits me and looks good, and someone there to enjoy it with me.

Noooooo, though. My itchy feet get to stay at home.

ARGH. Save me from myself!

cookbook, review

[Book Review] The Best Green Smoothies On The Planet by Tracy Russell

18th February 2015

FATGIRLslim | [Book Review] The Best Green Smoothies On The Planet by Tracy Russell

The Best Green Smoothies On The Planet


By Tracy Russell

Let’s start off with the disclaimer: I was allowed to download a copy of the book for free from Netgalley, in return for a review. Normally, I just review books on my Amazon accounts, but I felt this definitely required reviewing on FATGIRLslim. The images used were sent to me by Lindsay Marshall at BenBella Books, for use in the review. (Thanks, Lindsay!)

The Book: Introduction

I’m probably a little late to the green smoothie revolution, because my blender/smoothie maker basically burned up last summer and never recovered. (Read: I threw it out when it broke.) I only recently bought a replacement, and thought that I should probably look into getting a book on actual smoothie recipes, instead of just throwing a few fruits – and by a few fruits, I mean “a handful of frozen raspberries” – into a blender with a banana, a lot of ice cream, and enough milk to make it liquid-ish.

I found the book, as I mentioned above, on Netgalley, and was thrilled when BenBella Books approved my request to view, and I was even more thrilled when I found out that the book is not merely a recipe book, but a how-to – and more importantly, a why-to.


Not including the Foreword, Introduction, Notes, Index, Recipe Index and About The Author sections, there are Twelve Chapters in total.

Part One: Introduction To Green Smoothies

Part one is the how-to and the why-to of the book: not only how how to make smoothies, but why – the fact that you can easily get more than your 5-a-day in one smoothie, for example.

But chapter-by-chapter, we have:

  • Chapter One: Why Green Smoothies?
  • Chapter Two: How To Make The Perfect Green Smoothie
  • Chapter Three: The Best Green Smoothie Ingredients

Included in these chapters is also how to save your smoothie if it all goes wrong, which is something that I found exceptionally helpful. Especially as I’m wont to simply throw a lot of stuff into the one blender and have at. But it’s good to understand a little bit of the flavour science behind it all, too.

Part Two: Green Smoothie Recipes

There are nine different chapters in part two, separating all of the recipes into different types of smoothies, which is extremely helpful if you’re looking specifically for smoothies to help with weight loss, or smoothies to help detox, or smoothies to help boost your immune system, etc. It’s not just a giant list of smoothies – the fact that they’re all sorted out like that, I think, makes a huge difference.

Again, chapter-by-chapter, we have:

  • Chapter Four: Detox and Cleansing Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Five: Weight Loss Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Six: Antioxidant Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Seven: Fitness And Energy Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Eight: Immune-boosting Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Nine: Calcium-Rich Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Ten: Heart-Healthy Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Eleven: Iron-Rich Green Smoothies
  • Chapter Twelve: Mood-Enhancing Green Smoothies

The Book: Conclusion

There are an amazing 150 recipes in this book, as the subtitle tells us, which, for the asking paperback price would be excellent enough on its own. Given that you then get the added three chapters of how and why added on (and the extras of introductions, notes, recipe index with all of the ingredients listed so that you go, “okay, I have coconut milk and I need to use it by tomorrow. What should I make?” you can just look up coconut milk, and Bob’s your uncle) this book is an amazing resource for the starter, median, or more advanced smoothie maker. With ingredients used from kale, cucumber, and dandelion to aloe, cherimoya and CHOCOLATE (although not all in the same place!) there’s something for everyone, no matter what kind of weight loss, detox or smoothie program you’re looking for.

Oh, and if you’re wondering what those delicious-looking smoothies on the front cover are? I’ve got you covered.

FATGIRLslim | Pear Tangerine Green Smoothie

Pear-Tangerine Green Smoothie

Can be found in Chapter 9: Calcium Rich Green Smoothies





FATGIRLslim | Pineapple Citrus Green Smoothie

Pineapple-Citrus Green Smoothie

Can be found in Chapter 9: Calcium Rich Green Smoothies





FATGIRLslim | Very Berry Green Smoothie

Very Berry Green Smoothie

Can be found in Chapter 6: Antioxidant Green Smoothies





FATGIRLslim | Coconut Goji Berry Green Smoothie

Coconut-Goji Berry Green Smoothie

Can be found in Chapter 9: Calcium Rich Green Smoothies






I think that this is, basically, one of the best recipe books I’ve ever seen. It’s got a great layout, it’s got a great number of recipes, and it’s got great food flavour science to back it up. At 257 pages (for the Netgalley PDF version; other versions may vary) it’s definitely worth it. Although my Netgalley version doesn’t have photos of the smoothies inside, I cannot speak for other versions, such as the printed version.

It is, however, a book that I will shortly be going to Amazon to purchase my own copy of.

I’m that impressed with it.



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photos, randomosity, story of my life

In Which Tracy Goes Home

10th February 2015

FATGIRLslim | In Which Tracy Goes Home

Two and a half weeks ago, on Saturday January 25, Dad passed a mild dose of the ‘flu to me. He passed a much worse version to Mum, that put her in bed for two days and meant she had to take an entire week off to get over the worst of it.

It meant that we couldn’t go down and visit Granny and Granda, or see Aunty Helen, who’s still in hospital after breaking her leg and ending up terrifying us all half to death, getting a call from her daughters (my cousins) telling us that she was going to die that day. She’s gone through high-dependency, and is now off of oxygen, and even off of her nebuliser, and is looking and sounding ten thousand times better than she was.

But we still didn’t want to head down home when we were sick, or sort-of sick. Especially as Granda’s still not exactly well – he’s probably never going to be well, and if we passed a ‘flu onto him, after he’s had a stroke, it might be the very end of him.

So we waited until we were all feeling well – well enough that we weren’t feeling about to pass out at any rate, and we headed down to Greenock to visit with family. I was supposed to be getting to see my cousin’s new baby for the first time, but I was an idiot and forgot my painkillers, so I couldn’t climb the stairs to her flat (three or four or five flights of stairs!) and found out that he wasn’t even in, anyway, oops.

We did get to see Aunty Helen, who was, as I said, looking wonderful, and we got to see Granny and Granda – Granda was sleeping on-and-off, and Granny was her cheerful usual self, and even let me sneak a drink of her Bailey’s for in my coffee – and my Auntie Fiona was there with my wee baby cousin, Kadie, who’s just over a year old, and toddling, and saying, “HIYA!” and getting into everything, and being generally adorable.

On the way home, we stopped down to the Esplanade, which is quite a long stretch of front along the River Clyde with an amazing view, to get some photos. And I even got some ice cream from this ice cream place, The Bluebird Café, which is a place I haven’t gotten ice cream from in more than 15 years. I’ve been home for five and a half years, and this is the first time I’ve had ice cream from this place since we moved home. IT WAS (almost) AS GOOD AS I REMEMBERED – not quite as much flavour, but OMG, the texture is incredible. It’s hand-made authentic Italian ice cream, apparently. It’s AMAZING.

But there are more reasons than the food and family that I love going home for. As seen at the top of the entry, it’s the view. Greenock/Port Glasgow and surrounding areas is beautiful – right in the river valley heading into Glasgow, and right across the river are hills and mountains and there are colours in the sunset that I’ve never seen elsewhere, except when I’ve been on an aeroplane.

I’m one of those people who’re happy enough to live wherever, to call home wherever, in whichever house I live, but when I say I’m “homesick”, I mean, “I need to go to Greenock sometime soon and stare across the water and look at the valley.”

Pictures above and below both link to the full-size, absolutely-massive versions, so if you want, feel free to click on them and see them in their full-size glory.

And see if you can understand why I get homesick.

FATGIRLslim | In Which Tracy Goes Home

babble, body talk, food, weigh-in, weight gain

Monthly Measurements: February 2015

1st February 2015

FATGIRLslim | The Measure Of A (Wo)Man

  • Neck: 16″
  • Upper arm R: 19″
  • Upper arm L: 19″
  • Wrist R: 7.25″
  • Wrist L: 7.25″
  • Bust: 60″
  • Bra band: 53.25″
  • Waist: 64.5″
  • Hips: 70″
  • Upper thigh R: 35″
  • Upper thigh L: 34.5″
  • Calf R: 20″
  • Calf L: 21.5″
  • Ankle R: 11.25″
  • Ankle L: 12.5″


Welcome back, constant and occasional readers!  Hope you didn’t get too bored in my absence.  If you did, however, you certainly wouldn’t be the only one.

I’d love to say I’m surprised, but… well.  I supposed I’m just far too used to having FATGIRLslim, now, to not have somewhere to come to talk about food thoughts and weight and health issues.

First thought?

Wow.  WOW.  Ouch.  I obviously realise that I’ve put on weight, but I didn’t realise that it was going to make such a difference to my measurements.  For comparison, here are my measurements from October 2014:

  • Neck: 15.75″
  • Upper Arm (R): 20″
  • Upper Arm (L): 19.5″
  • Lower Arm (R): 13″
  • Lower Arm (L): 13″
  • Bust: 60″
  • Under Bust: 49″
  • Waist: 56.5″
  • Hips: 69.5″
  • Thigh (R): 34.5″
  • Thigh (L): 34.5″
  • Calf (R): 20″
  • Calf (L): 21.5″
  • Ankle (R): 11″
  • Ankle (L): 13″
  • Wrist (R): 7.5″
  • Wrist (L): 7.75″

The absolute biggest difference is my waist, which is almost 8″ bigger?  I mean, I might – as usual – have measured it in a slightly different place, and considering my waist has to contend with back fat and such, it’s a difficult place to keep the same, but that’s… HUGE.

Same goes for my underbust/bra band size – that was one that I KNEW had changed, because some of my bras were really uncomfortably tight.

I actually forgot to weigh myself this morning, though, which I’m going to take as a good sign.  Also a good sign: the Breville Personal Blender that I bought with my Amazon vouchers has been shipped by Amazon (I purchased it from a seller, originally, on Jan 16, and they ended up having A ZILLION AND ONE FEEDBACK left for them saying that nobody had received their items, despite the seller saying the items had been shipped; that meant the seller was taking the money but not sending the items. I had to claim my gift voucher back via Amazon.  *grumble*) so it should be here this week.  Which means that I can start having smoothies for breakfast again!  I’ve already got some kale and mango and avocado and frozen fruits all ready to go.  Got a few recipe books on my tablet.  Now I just need my effing blender, haha!

And that’ll mean that my breakfast’ll be much healthier – I realise that granola, even if it IS oats and dried fruits cooked in palm sugar and fried in coconut oil instead of vegetable oils and cane sugar, still isn’t healthy healthy.  But it’s filling, and it means I don’t eat between my meals.  And because I have it with Greek yoghurt, it also means more protein than with milk – and it tastes better, too.

I’ll still be able to incorporate the yoghurt into the smoothies.  Or, some of them, at least.

My kingdom for a Nutribullet, though.